Archive for October, 2006

Today’s The Day

Saturday, October 21st, 2006

Today’s the day where absurdity meets sheer logic.  Today’s the day where Steven Wright has his comedy special on Comedy Central.  I can’t wait for it.  I hope there’s a lot of new jokes and stuff because if there is, I’ll be able to watch it over and over and laugh over and over.  I saw a small clip of it online and it was very good, but I don’t have a link for it because I forgot the website I went to.  But I encourage you to watch it because even though Steven Wright appeals more to an older audience, many young people say he was their inspriation, like me.  I have a friend coming in from Rhode Island today as well, so he’ll get the treat of watching it as well.  What an amazing day today is going to be!  Peace out!

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Most People Suck

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

In my previous post, I touched on how I hate certain people.  I don’t hate all people, just most of them.  It’s not even that I hate stupid people.  I hate ignorant people.  I hate people who just “drift through life like lumps of crap.”  I hate the people who try to hold a position they don’t even believe in.  I hate people who blindly follow certain religions just because their family does.  I hate people who drink and drive.  I hate people who care more about profits than geniunely helping people.  I hate people on a power trip.  I hate lawyers, politicians, and policemen, most of whom are corrupt.  I hate people who think they know what’s best for everyone when they can’t even relate to the different socio-economic status of more than 70% of them.  I hate people with excessive tattoos.  I hate people who always talk about Jesus.  I hate people who lie about what they do for a living to have sex.  I hate people who gain weight but don’t do anything to try and stop it.  I hate people who try and glorify criminal behavior.  I hate teachers who have sex with their students.  Enough of who I hate, leet’s go to the opposite side.

I like people who always have something new to say.  I like people who hve a sense of humor all the time, no matter what happened to them.  I like people who live each day like it’s precious, like it’s one of their last.  I like people who respect others’ opinions and don’t force change on someone who doesn’t want it.  I like people who are vibrating at a higher frequency than me.  Their energy is amazing.  I like people who are in touch with themselves on a nightly basis (no not masturbation).  I like people who aren’t afraid to be who they truly are, not some socially-conditioned, law enforcement fearing, Bible-beating lunatic.  I like people who expose the truth.  I like people who always have a good story to tell.  I like people who, when you’re talking to them and their cell phone rings, they ignore it and continue on with the conversation.  I like people who don’t care what other people think of them.  I like people who will drop everything to help you–except their newborn infant.  I like people who aren’t so dependent on technology.  Finally, I like people who like people like me.

So I guess that pretty much says it all.  I don’t know.  That’s just what I could think of in this timespan.  But it’s true to an extent.  Most people do suck.  Most of them are superficial, igonrant, and a waste of time.  If they weren’t people would hang out with everybody and we’d all get along.  But we don’t.  When you do find people you can tolerate and may even enjoy spending time with, make sure you keep them close to you.  Because you don’t want to be stuck with someone who you hate.  Oh, oh, oh, oh, and I almost forgot.  I hate televangelists.  Good day.

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eHarmony.com

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

I want to tell you a true story about eharmony.com.  I took seven and a half hours to fill out the Personality Profile.  It took me two and a half days in two and a half hour shifts.  It was so cumbedrsome and such a long time to spend on such a waste of time.  But I pressed through it.  I did it all.  I just wanted to see if there was anyone out there like me.  All these questions about who I am, who I want to be with, what’s going on in my head.  It was an adventure in self-exploration.

So I finish the profile and submit it and here’s the message I get:  Hello, thank you for filling out the personality profile.  “We’re very sorry, but around 1-2% of applicants are not considered acceptable for this type of service.  We wouldn’t want you to waste all your money on something that probably wouldn’t work for you.  We’re sorry, but you’re most likely doomed to a life of lonliness and solitude.”

So I decided to stop going on that website.  What does that say about me?  Am I really that different, that weird?  Am I so strange that even the strange people aren’t compatible with me?  Is that what this has come to?  I really think that’s what’s happened.  I’ve become so sheltered, so isolated, that people are a foreign policy to me.  I can’t relate to anyone, apparently.  Well, I guess I’ll never get married.  It’s too bad.  Well, I was hoping to have my wedding catered by the supermarket I work in.  The reception would be in Aisle 7.  Well, I guess that’s never going to happen for me.  Too bad.  But I still have some hope.  I’m sure there were people who filled it out before me who got the same response who would be completely compatible with me, but they just don’t know it because they’ve given up on eharmony as well.  I must say, though, there’s nothing like a dating website to show you who you really are.

So what should I do from here?  I’m looking for someone in my life who makes me smile and laugh and is attractive enough to not make me want to leave.  I need someone who relates to me the way I relate to the world.  I need someone with the same kind of feelings as me.  I think I’ve nailed it.  I need someone who hates people just as much as I do.  Where can I find such a person?  Most people like that are all alone in their house, watching TV or reading a spectacular book.  I’ll never meet these people at social occasions, unless they go there grudgingly.  It will have to  be a chance encounter in a supermarket or bookstore.  I’m reluctant to talk to people who I know have no head on their shoulders and no brain anywhere.  I need someone who gets me.  And when I find someone like that, maybe I can be okay.  We’ll see what happens in the near future.  Until then, I’m practicing comedy.

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Do What You Love, Not What You Don’t

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

I’ve heard this so many times, I swear it’s a recurring theme in my like.  If something is your life, why would you want to spend it doing things that you don’t want to do?  Why would you want to work at a job you hate, doing meaningless work, to you at least, and never erally embracing the passion you hve for, say, needlepoint.  Sure, you may get to make a couple in your spare time, but you never really come to embrace your needlepoint passion and it remains dormant.  You never get any better because you don’t devote enough time to build up your needlepoint skills.  And this is a way of life that often prevents people from doing what they’re supposed to do.  Sure, I’m sure some people like their job because it’s what they feel they were meant to do.  I have a man working at my supermarket who absolutely loves working there.  He loves to help people find groceries they couldn’t find and always says, “It’s a pleasure to help you.  It’s always a joy to help somebody else.”  I guess he’s in the right line of work.  Then there are the people who work and they hate it so much, but they have to work to survive.  They gossip cosntantly about the people there and they usually don’t work there very long, but they just move on to some meaningless, boring job that doesn’t mainfest the fire and desire that it should.

Yesterday, I was working at the job I think is a waste of time, and I was just observing most of the people there.  Just watching the employees do their jobs and it was so autonomous, like ithey were some sort of robot.  I couldn’t get over how superficial the conversations were that they had with their customers.  “Oh, how are you?”  “Good. How are you?”  “Good.”  That was the extent of most of the conversations.  The way they work is very monotonous and they don’t seem to be getting any joy out of it.  I know most of the people working there are vibrating on a much lower frequency than me, so I guess they may not yet have the ability or consciousness to bring themselves out of this montony.  But there are a couple of people who just do it for the hell of it, retired people, people who have had meaningful jobs in the past, and those are the people I tend to gravitate towards because they often have better insights on life.  They know what they’re about and they know that they have already reached their passionate state previously in life and still carry some of it with them.

It’s no secret that my passion is comedy and humor.  That’s what I practice and what I preach.  There’s other dimensions to me, but comedy is the underlying theme.  I’m very eloquent in my speech as well, but I definitely love to observe people and just take some comedy out of it.  Maybe your passion is skateboarding, but you were never good enough to make the pro team.  Well, that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun doing it.  You could even start a skateboarding business.  If skateboarding is what you’re passionate about, go for it.

I”m sick and tired of people who hate their job, hate their life, hate this, hate that.  I just can’t stand being around those people.  You know, the ones that are always complaining.  “I didn’t get this, I didn’t get that.  I hate this person, I can’t stand that person.  I’m not working here anymore.”  Well, then leave!  Jesus Christ!  I’ve never seen such hostility.  But you have to get into doing things you love, even if you don’t know how to make money from it yet.  You have to build up your skills and eventually turn what you like to do into money.  it’s not that complicated.  Most of the successful people of the world would hardly call the way they make a living work.  They love to go “play” and get their projects done because tbey’re genuinely passionate about it.  They don’t have resentment towards the fact that they have to go “work.”  They’re fucking happy as hell just to have the opportunity to do it.  They even wake up early to start on their day.  These are the people you should strive to be like.  These are the people who are successful.  These are the people who still do the same job even after they make millions of dollars.

A great example from stand-up comedy is the great Jerry Seinfeld.  He made millions upon millions of dollars in the nine years he did Seinfeld and he’s still making residuals every day an episode airs.  So what do you think he’s doing now?  He’s performing stand-up codmedy all over the country, touring all around.  Does he do this for the money?  No, he does it because it’s the only thing he loves so much that money isn’t an intrinsic factor.  It’s not a factor at all.  He just loves doin git.  That’s the kind of motivation I’m talking about.

So here’s my challenge to you:  For the next five to six hours of your spare time, devote at least two of them to something you’e passionate about.  Something you love to do.  Something you would do if money wasn’t involved.  Just do it.  Nike.  Just kidding.  If you love to go for long walks in nature, then do it.  If you love to paint, even if you’re not good at it, do so.  Let your passion take hold of you and guide you to eternal bliss.  Learn all you can about your passion.  It won’t be work, it will be pure play.

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Bad Movies, Generic Cereal, and Hammocks

Tuesday, October 17th, 2006

I love going to bad movies.  Not just the run-of-the-mill bad movies, but the ones that Ebert and Roepper chopped their thumbs off.  The ones they use for torture in terrorist death camps.  Those are the movies I like to go see.  You know why?  Because if something is bad, I can talk to the people there with me about how bad it is.  It’s hilarious.  It’s like, “Hey, ths movie is awful, isn’t it?”  “Yeah, it sucks.”  And eventually, we go get our money back, not sit through the entire thing because I don’t give a shit how it ends.  All I care about it having the whole theater to myself.  I like to throw candy all over the place and yell random stuff out.  I remember when I went to go see, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  What an awful movie!  I couldn’t believe how bad it was.  And then there’s Taladega Knights.  Oh, my God, was it awful.  I spent the whole movie laughing at how bad the plots and just how bad the acting was.  It was funny because it wasn’t funny at all.  I spent more time complaining at how bad it was, it made me laugh.  I hate people who actually like those movies, though.  I think I know what it is.  They’re trying to justify spending the money to go see it.  That’s a bunch of total crap.  If you didn’t like it, don’t lie to yourself and say you did just to make the expense sensical.

I love going to bad movies, though.  Ones that people wouldn’t ever even bother going to, ever.  Although, the value of renting bad movies is pretty good as well.  Like if you were ever to rent Master of Disguise, you’ll know what I’m talking about.  The worst movie, ever, I think.  So bad and so worthless you had to laugh at the sheer volume of it, that someone would actually think this thing up and actually think it would do well at the box office.  That’s the real comedy in it all.

I also hate people who say that generic products taste just as good as the name brand ones.  Like at a supermarket they have too versions of Frosted Flakes.  One of them is the Kellogg’s brand, and Tony the Tiger says, “They’re great!”  On the generic brand they have a cockroach saying, “They’re okay!”  And it’s a smaller box.  And they taste terrible.  Then there’s the people who say, “They taste the same.”  You know what the name for those people is?  Cheap bastard.  But stores are going to the absolute limit.  They actually have a generic brand of Gogurt and Triscuits.  Can you believe this?  The Gogurt is called “Grab ‘Ems” and the Triscuits are called “Wheat ‘Ems.”  How stupid is that?  They feel they have to compete with those companies, too?  I’m waiting for generic caviar or something.  Mmm mmm, the taste of generic fish eggs for 99 cents.

I can’t wait until I get a hammock, though.  That is going to be so sweet.  I can just relax in it all day.  It’s like the ultimate relaxation furniture, if that’s what it’s classified as.  I wonder how much they cost, because I hear they’re pretty popular.  If I could get one that’s really comfortable, like the ones they make in Mexico, I’d be all set.  I had a friend in colllege who had his own dorm room and he had a gigantic hammock in there.  I was like, “Hot deal, man.  That’s awesome.”  What’s better than having one.  It’s so much better than stressing my back in a chair.  I’m going to check some prices on one and I’ll get one if it’s not too expensive.  I don’t need an iPod, I need a hammock.  Then I can practice Hammockology and become fucking awesome.  Well, let me know if you know how much a hammock costs.  I’m sure I can get a good one for less than $200 dollars.  But we’ll see.  See you later, peace.

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