Archive for October, 2006

Wasting Time

Tuesday, October 17th, 2006

There are so many ways to waste time.  Some of it is productive and the other half of it is destructive.  Wasting time is an art form, but sometimes it can turn into a disaster.  You have to waste time intelligently or else wasting time will become wasting your life.  And if you waste your life, you might as well not have been born in the first place.  Time is a waste of time.  So if you can get good useage out of your time, then wasting it will really be using it.

Here’s an example.  You come home from work after a tough day and you plop down on the couch and look for the remote because you want to see what’s on TV.  You’re not turning it on for any particular reason, but just looking to see if there’s something on.  And even if you don’t find something even remotely interesting, you still watch the least repulsive thing on.  Maybe it’s a nature show, who knows?  But you just sit there for an hour, two hours, or six hours, watching somthing you really don’t even care for just because you don’t have anything else to do with that spare time.  I would rather sit on that same couch just thinking for six hours than watch something I don’t really care for.  I would rather work on my set list before I would sit there and waste time.

When I waste time, I like to do it actively.  I like to have my mind or body engaged in something when I am wasting. I’d rather not waste time passively, because it’s like just watching something or someone while you remain dormant, both physically and mentally.  One example is reading an entire newspaper just because you want to justify the fifty ents you spent on it.  You even read the “How to Please Your Man” article.  But why do that when you could be doing something you enjoy, not something you feel forced to do because of a specific cost.  I’ve bought many books that I just stopped reading because I felt they were a waste of time.  I said, “I could waste my time doing better things.”

Sometimes I shift into comedy mode and have five or six jokes come out in an hour.  While it looks like I’m just sitting here doing nothing, wasting time, my mind is working at such a rapid pace that NASA couldn’t track it.  To you, it may seem like doing that is a waste of time, but to me, it’s like doing that is the best possible use of my time.  I’d much rather do that than spend two hours of my life watching “War in Iraq” coverage or the Super Bowl Sunday Pregame show.  And making good use of your time doesn’t have to cost you any money.  Just spend time hanging out with people you like to hang out with.  It’s better than watching The Real World and watching other people hang out with their friends.  How dumb is that?  We actually watch people hang out with other people and take some kind of entertainment value out of it.

I hate it when people say, “I don’t have any time to do that.”  That’s a bunch of crap.  Listen, with all the time people waste, I’m sure you could put your iPod Nano on pause and stop watching retarded videos on YouTube while eating a gigantic hot pretzel in your underwear.  Get off your ass and do something!  Well, you may not need to get off your ass, but at least do something.  You can still waste time, but just do it more actively.  That’s what I do and I find that I do have enough time.

Now I’m not saying you have to become some super overcachiever because even that is a waste of time if you don’t know why you’re doing it.  I was listening to a podcast on “The Lazy Way to Success,” and I remember the guy saying that you don’t have to be a driven person to be productive.  Just don’t do nothing the wrong way or you’ll get nothing.  Don’t wate time, but use your time productively while relaxing as well.  Put your income on autopilot or something so that you’re not going to the office for X amount of hours and getting paid X amount of dollars.  You could do so many more productive things with that time.  You’re way better off finding easier ways to make money so that you can use less time to make money, which in turn will allow you to waste time in the manner you see fit.

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A New Steven Wright Special

Monday, October 16th, 2006

Seeing as I haven’t watched TV in over three weeks or so, barring two South Park episodes, I really wasn’t up on the times when it comes to comedy. My brother comes in my room last night and tells me that Steven Wright, the Steven Wright, is having a comedy special this Saturday, which is coincidentally the same day my friend from Rhode Island is coming in. Go figure. So I assume it’s going to be one hell of a time that day. This is Wright’s first special in supposedly sixteen years. Can you believe it? I’m so excited, as he is my favorite comedian of all time. One quote frome the commercial that my brother saw was, “If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.” Pure genius. He has many other new jokes, I’m sure. I really haven’t heard any of his stuff since 1986, so I really don’t know what to expect. But I’m definitely looking forward to it. It premieres on Comedy Central at 9:00 PM. It should be a feast for the ages. I am so looking forward to this and you should, too. Maybe I’ll even get a big screen plasma TV for the occasion, but I don’t think Steven would want it that way. He’s more into a black and white phonograph. But whatever.

To me, this is the Christian equivalent of Jesus rising from the dead and having a second coming. I’m dead serious. I cannot express my joy in any other manner but pure and utter amazement that after all these years, he would finally, finally come out with something new. He’s not the most driven person, and I definitely can relate to that, but he’s also someone who does such bizarre things and also tells absurd jokes to the point that you forget who you are completely and are immersed in his catatonic behavior. Him and Jerry Seinfeld are the two comedians that inspired me when I was first starting, most notably Jerry because I didn’t even know of Steven Wright back then. I remember the first joke of his I ever heard: “The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.” Then he goes on, “Last night I came home very late, it was the next night. I tried getting into my building, but I accidentally stuck my car keys in the door and the building started up. So I drove it around for awhile. The police pulled me over for speeding. He asked me, ‘Where do you live?’ I said, ‘Right here.’ Then I parked in the middle of a highway and yelled at all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.” From there, I was hooked. So strange, so bizarre, so insane, kind of like me. But I’m not just like him. I mean, he’s truly and utterly bizarre to the tenth degree and that’s why I like him. That’s what draws me to him, but I am a little more emotional onstage. I burn the passionate fire while he just stands there, all laid back. And he’s perfect at it, which is why he’s so good.

It’s funny because in an itnerview with him, he would talk about how he didn’t even see himself as montone or talking about abstract things. He just went out there and did what he thought was funny. That was it. It’s very simple, really. Do what you think is funny and hopefully you’ll find a group of people who also think it’s funny. If not, at least you’re amusing yourself. I also remember him telling of jokes that he thought weren’t that funny that were great with the audience as wel as things he thought were brilliantly funny that didn’t resonate with an audience. He’s just something to marvel at. I can’t wait until Saturday.  Also, look for a review of his peformance possibly on Sunday.  It will be a great time.  Peace.

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Memory In Comedy

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

I am amazed at all the news storeis that pass on a typical day.  I’ma also amazed at all the experiences I have and how many of them aren’t remembered.  Sure, a select few are remembered as the “significant” ones, but for the most part, many of my experiences are not remembered.  I can remember some of my most cherished memories with the most accurate detail you could imagine, but some things that just don’t seem to matter, like when my friends ask me, “What did you do today?”  I usually can’t remember that.  I think the problem is that my short term memory is very lousy, but my long-term memory is pretty awesome.  So if you were to ask me what I did yesterday five years from now, I would be able to tell you in great detail what I did yesterday.

So how does memory relate to comedy?  Sure, there area obvious things, like remembering your lines or omitting certain words, but there is so much more memory applied to comedy.  Memory is a very important part of comedy.  You have to be able to visualize what you are talking about.  Once you do that, you have to remember what kind of mood you were in when you first thought of the joke.  And you have to apply it. You have to really think the way you tell the joke.  You can’t tell a joke and be thinking about if you left your stove running.  You have to remember the creative process that led to that joke, which will make it seem more spontaneous than if you just rehearse a bunch of words.  Sure, you still get the gist of it that way, but it’s not as authentic to the way you first came up with it.

For example, I did a joke once about how I had a dream that I worked at my job and I went to my boss and said, “I worked nine hours last night in my dream.  Don’t you think I should get paid for that?”  And he was like, “No, unless you want to be paid in dream dollars.”  And I was pissed off.  “You’ve taken my life, my freedom, and now you want to take my dreams too?  For no pay?  Fuck this, I quit.”  I remember when thnking up that joke, I put a lot of emotion into it.  I was really mad about how I had a dream about working.  I want my dreams to be pleasureable, not about work.

The only real reason I’m working at a supermarket is because I want to do research of a script I’m working on about working in supermarkets and how irritating that can be.  Like I want to get the real feel of the place.  So I’m carrying around this little notebook that fits in my pocket.  Every time something funny or something that kind of pissed me off happens, I write it down and i later look back on it and see if it strikes an emotional chord with me.  It can either be funny, frustrating, or just plain awful.  But if it does strike that kind of chord with me, it has a good chance of striking the same chord with the audience.

Emotion is a key component to memory.  If something makes you really mad or really happy, you’ll be sure to remember those incidents more than the things that mkae you indifferent or mundane.  If something makes you laugh really hard or makes you so mad you can’t think straight, you’ll tend to put that in the emotional part of your brain, which make you remember it more.

Another way I try to remember jokes is through intense visualization.  Like if I have a joke about, say juicers, which I do, I visualize this scene in which I’m frustrated as hell because every apple I put intot he juicer either gets stuck or only produces a small amount of juice.  Then there’s the pulp flying everywhere and the machine is so loud I feel like I’m at a concert near the speaker.  And then I finally put fifty apples in the damn juicer to get five ounces and it tastes terrible.  That’s the whole visualization, and it only takes about five seconds to go through all that, but it helps me with the order of the sentences of the joke and the ideas flowing correctly.  And finally, it leads to the findal conclusion.  All that work and it tastes awful.

Lsstly, I’m sure we’re all familliar with mnemonics.  These are basic memory aids, such as PEMDAS for order of operations, or the “Please excuse my dear aunt Sally.”  Whatever.  I’m sure some conedians have a long list of words or letters to help them memorize their jokes, but I find if you do it that way, you may come off as amateurish because it’s jsut kind of disorganized or too organized, whatever it is.

If you’re that afraid you’ll forget the lines, put a piece of paper in your pocket.  Write some emergency jokes on it, or just put some emergency jokes in the back of your mind.  Jokes that you know will kill.  Jokes that you know are great.  Jokes that you wouldn’t normally use in that environment.  The audience loves surprise.  And if you ever find yourself where you can’t remember things, just pull the paper out and do some stuff from there.  That’s what I’ve done sometimes and it worked out pretty good.

I never go up there with a set list, though.  Here’s why.  If I ever forget material, there will be this awkward pause.  And during that awkward pause, I’ve got to go in my pocket, then look down a list to figure out where I left off and that takes even more time.  Just a couple of jokes handy could allow for a great turnaround.  But affter that, it should get you back on track.  If not, just get off the stage.  You’ve told a couple of your best jokes already.

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Blogosphere

Saturday, October 14th, 2006

I was thinking about somehow boosting this site’s traffic with some sort of marketing ploy, but I advised against it because I am not about marketing.  I am about genuine connection with the readers.  I’ll let my readers tell other readers about this blog.  I don’t need to market it extensively.  Hell, what do I care about SEO or social bookmarking?  It’s just not relevant to me.  But I may not get as much traffic, but my main goal will be to crank out articles rather than constantly link to others’ blogs while posting a lame comment about “How to Lose Thirty Pounds in Twenty Days.”  I’m not like that.  There are very few blogs that really capture the same sort of feel as me, so I need to somehow talk to them about how they get so many readers.  I know that if I can get over 100 a day or around 3000 a month, I’ll be good, but right now I’m oscillating wildly on different days.  It’s all about who comes here.  I have to wholefullly intend for this stie’s traffic to increase, and I know it will increase eventually because I porvide original and valuable content, but I guess I just have to find a place where I can tell people about it.  I can say I run a Comedy and Humor blog on WordPress.com.  I could make little cards and place them at the library.  I could put flyers up in colleges around the campuses.

A lot of people in the blogosphere write very shallow entries about celebrities or just a link to a post on a different blog.  What is that supposed to do for me?  Sure, you’ll get some traffic, but they won’t be reading your blog for long.  They’ll be reading other people’s blogs for many hours while only linking to yours by curiosity and eventually leaving when they realize that you have very little substance on there.  And I also find that a lot of people post very short, pointless articles about nnothing really.  They may say they’re going to the beach today.  Well, good for you.  That was a waste of reading.  I find many posts to be very superficial and don’t really delve into the topic at hand.  I just don’t understand how people like this could be getting more traffic than me.  I know my blog isn’t even three months old, but I feel like there has to be something they’re doing better than me, and I’m sure it isn’t the post depth or the original content.  It’s more on the blog network side, the linking to poular blogs, which in turn get a link on the popular blog’s site, which leads to a bunch of people from the popular blog coming to their site to be disappointed once again.  But the fact is that they’ll still come.

But I don’t want to be someone like that.  Someone who only gets superficial traffic.  I want traffic where people will come on here and read for hours and hours.  Well not yet, but sooner or later, I’l have enough content.  I want people to come on here and change the way they think, not just a way to pass the time.  I don’t want reading my blog to be a waste of time, I want it to be a good use of time.  Maybe I’ll raise the bar.  I’ll start making this place amazing, something that all the people who read will be telling their friends and family about.

My main goal here is to make this into a fully-functioning website.  I just need the traffic.  Once I get the traffic, I can do it.  There is no sense in making a website that no one will go to.  The whole point of making a site is so people will get to see the real me.  See what I’m about, what I think about, how I go about my day.  So I am going to challenge myself here.  I challenge myself to make at least one post every day of great quality, not just quantity.  I challenge myself to do something for the next 30 days to market my site, but not in a superficial way.  I challenge myself to become a super-blogger and use methods that I have learned to boost traffic on my blog.  And finally, I challenge myself to tell people I know about my blog, who will most likely refer other people here.  These are the things I intend to do  I’m getting more traffic every day.  That is what I soley and fully want to happen.

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South Park Pokes Fun at 9/11

Thursday, October 12th, 2006

I went to go see School for Scoundrels last night.  It was pretty funny.  It had the guy from Napoleon Dynamite and Billy Bob Thorton.  I’d give it about a seven and a half on a scale of one to ten.  We kind of left the movie early a little because I had to watch my one TV show a week, South Park.  It was an episode about the 9/11 conspiracy theories.  It was really good until the ending.  The ending kind of left me pissed off, but it was okay because the rest of it was so good.  They even had a fake version of the Hardy Boys, but they called them the Hardly Boys.  And they were so fucking gay it was hillarious.  “I’m getting a ragin clue right now.  My clue in pointing in this direction.”  Man, it was really funny.  And then the sscene where George W. Bush shoots a 911truth.org guy in the head, then ten minutes later Stan and Kyle see that same guy again alive.  It was a great fucking episode.    The animation was spectacular as well with amazing scenery shots.  I know you probably don’t see this from the two-dimensional South Park world, but this episode was special in that regard.  It was something that we had to get home for, though.  There was no waiting till 12 to watch the rerun.  It’s amazing how one show, and just one show, can make such a big impact on my life.  There really isn’t another show like that one.  If they didn’t have that show on Comedy Central or on TV at all, I would watch no TV.  But the benefits of seeing them push the envelope is so amazing that I even left a movie I paid $7.75 for to make it home in time.  Thank you, South Park and may the lord be with you.

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