Waking Up

Being “awake” is a key to becoming a better person.  By awake, meaning that you understand.  And by understand, I mean that you get the big picture, that you know the nature of our existence.  And by knowing the nature of existance, you know that “life is nothing but a dream, so peaceful and serene,” albeit a very persistent one.  But even if you do reach this conclusion, it kind of stagnates there, leaving me wondering, “So what?  If this is a dream, then what’s the point of existing?”

This supposed dream we all experience, or I experience subjectively, is quite a persistent dream, although I did witness something today that threw myself for a loop.  I saw someone disappear today, which I previously thought was impossible, then thought was possible, and now I know it is definitely possible.  It’s the “prestige…”  Just kidding.  But this is seriously something I wonder about.  If this is a dream, then anything we want to happen, will to happen, can and will happen, but the problem is that if this is a dream, then it’s all utterly meaningless anyway.  If I get millions of dollars, sure I can live a lavish life of richness and wealth and everything I could dream of, but what would that mean if this is just a dream?  I’ve dreamt I was rich before and when I woke up, it didn’t play a significant part in my waking reality, so I’m not sure if the being that’s dreaming this life, this world, this universe, will see our lives in his dream as terribly significant.  I know the higher being is consciousness, and I have been experiencing tapping into it and it’s a very calming sort of presence that I rather enjoy, a state of inner peace.

It’s almost as if all my troubles melt away when I connect with this higher version of myself, of my world.  It’s like something out of a movie, an amazing wave of peace and unconditional love for everything because, as we all know, everything is consciousness, so everything is ineed ourselves.  Everything is a projection of our thoughts/consciousness.  So if we can immerse ourselves in this higher place, this higher being, we can find peace, no matter what the circumstance, which is something I’m doing more and more lately.  I know that even after I die, everything will be fine because my spirit will reconnect with this consciousness and it will all be revealed to me, away from this reality cloak.

So the only thing I can do is experiment with different things.  Maybe I would like to levitate or become invisible, maybe manifest a million dollars and live my life out in the mansion of my dreams.  It’s all up to me.  And it will be with grace, ease, lightness, and of course peace.  I understand that this is only a dream, so I’m going to try and make it the most serene and wonderful dream possible.  Why not strive to do this?  It’s something I can definitely strive for.  And I’m showing universal repsect for anyone and everyone I encounter in my life as I know they are part of my dream, consciousness’s dream, that I have to relate to in everyday life.  I know that everyone I come in contact with represents a part of myself, so in order to fully embrace the world as it is, I have to accept this fact.  I’m on my journey through life, with wonder in my eyes, and limitless possibilities, ready for anything, and knowing that nothing can stop me.

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On a Good Path

I’ve gotten on this remote path lately, a path where serving others is something I don’t mind doing, as it also is serving myself in some way.  I understand that it is better to give than to receive, but you still have to receive some to maintain your physical body and the more money you have, the more you can express yourself in an efficient manner.  Supposedly, there’s a quote that says, “Money makes you more of who you already are.”  And I suppose I agree with this statement to some extent.  I know that richness does not imply happiness and this is something that people have a  hard time underdstanding.  Sure, it may lead to temporary happiness, but this feeling will be soley momentary.  It will not have the lasting effects of inner peace and love for everything in the universe and beyond…

I suppose this inner peace thing came to be in a very relaxed way.  One day I wasn’t working and I was really relaxed and I was thinking, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could feel like this all the time?”  So I started feeling like this at work, at peace, no hostility, no worries about the job, no worries about life, just flowing effortlessly through a world I do not completely understand.  And it’s worked well for myself, as I no longer feel fatigued nor do I feel stressed, for the most part.  There are times when I get out of this state, but it’s not as frequent as it used to be.

Humor and relaxing go hand in hand.  Laughing is a tension relief method that takes me to a place I love to be.  But it has to be genuine humor, not some ill-fated humor, like making fun of a handicapped person.  It has to be something that’s genuinely funny.  I have this resource of material I use to make myself laugh and to put everything in perspective.  Like if I’m ever stressed on my job, I just say, “Hey, who cares?  It’s just a job.  It doesn’t matter.  You’ll be in college again in less than two months and who cares about this job?”  And then I see how trivial it is with respect to the universe as a whole and I almost burst out laughing.

Yesterday, I didn’t get a break until 5 hours fifteen minutes of working, which is odd for the place I work, but the people there NEVER offer me a break, I always have to ask for it, so yesterday, I decided I was not going to ask for one at all and if I didn’t get one, so be it.  So I just work, work, work, in a relaxed manner.  I’m waiting for the break, even though I really don’t need one, I even buy a water so my throat doesn’t become parched while on the clock.  About fifteen minutes after that, I am finally offered a break, but now I really don’t feel I need one, but I take it anyway.  I grab an apple and eat it very slowly, as I have fifteen minutes to eat it.  I savor every bite for what seems like a half hour, then I go back to clock back in.  It has only been fifteen minutes, but how could I have known that?  I dismiss all forms of clocks and time as I find them irrelevant, except when I have to be somewhere at a certain time, but I’m sure if I relaxed that notion, I still would make it to most places on time, and even if I didn’t, what’s the big deal?  It’s not going to kill me.

I’ll never forget the episode of Seinfeld when Kramer says, “I tell time by the sun,” and one of the other characters asks him, “What do you do at night?” and he says, “I’m usually within a couple of hours or so.”  I find that hilarious, while at the same time seeing it has practical use.  Why not?  And why bother with defining time so rigidly?  So we can get credit for working eight hours?  I don’t care about that, I think you should get paid for the value you create, not the time you spend creating it.  It should be, you work, you get done, you leave, no need to work out the remaining hours standing around just so you get paid for what you did before.

I believe you can do everything in an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and positive way, in its own perfect time, for the highest good of all.  I stole that quote from Marc Allen, and he stole it from some lady who wrote a book about something, I don’t have the willpower to look it up right now.  You don’t need to be so rigid and cutthroat.  It’s not the way of the world.  Well, maybe it is now, but it didn’t use to be.  I try and bring this relaxation with me wherever I go so that people around me will be receptive to this and share some laughs with me.  It’s a very enlightening experience to share your relaxation with someone who is down.  It cheers them right up.

Last night I had a conversation about one of my favorite dark comedies, American Psycho.  And we’re laughing at the fact this guy put on a raincoat before he killed this guy and had copies of the New York Times lying around his floor.  The victim asks him, “Is that a raincoat?” and he answers enthusiastically, “Yes, it is!”  So funny.  It’s a really funny movie and I just got the book in and am reading it.  It’s a very superficial story, but it’s so detailed and funny.  But people who are uptight could not see the humor in a homicidal maniac who cares more about which loafers you are wearing than the person inside of you.

So, I guess the overall message is to take life lightly and don’t get to caught up in the “rat race.”  I see too many people who always neglect their laziness, and while doing so, become so focused they get this tunnel vision and it leads to neglection of opportunities they would otherwise be open to had they not been working so hard.  I realize that it is my duty to lighten up people’s days and slow them down a little.  Relax, take it easy, for an hour every day.  Just reflect, understand, and ponder the nature of our existance and why you get stressed over seemlingly insignificant things.  Just laugh, love, learn, and be happy.

I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did writing it.
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Tempted by the Fruit of Another

I cannot believe how much time it takes to eat an orange, especially one of the navel variety.  It’s like a marathon and it is similar to eating a pomegranate, but nowhere near as frustrating.  Eating a pomegranate was impossible, as I only cut it in half and then said, “I’m done.”  I did not want to spend six and a half hours getting into that thing.  But I was under the impression that oranges are not very time-consuming, but I was dead wrong.  Maybe it’s just the navel variety of oranges, and the fact that they were on sale for 25 cents each, maybe that all contributed to this arduous task.  I ended up buying four of them on Friday night, but I only ate one so far and that was today.

The skin was a pain to get off, especially because there was still this white pulpy stuff all around the orange.  That must have tkaen me five minutes or so and then I started shaving off some of the pulp with a knife.  I had most of it off on one side, so I decided to take a bite of it to see if it was any good.  It was a taste explosion.  So good, so great, so wonderful.  But I decided to slice it up as I go, slicing off each piece as I wanted it.  I ended up spitting out a lot of the extra pulp as it does not taste particularly good, but I did swallow some of it as well as chewed it into submission.  When I got halfway through the bastard, I was thinking, “I’m only halfway done.  this could be a long day.”  But I pressed on.  I almost cut my finger at least seven times, but noticed it quick enough to get away from the knife.  But I eventually finished it and it left me feeling quite full and satisfied, so I decided to make it my breakfast.  It took me about a half hour to consume…

Here is the reason I feel it was on sale for so cheap:  There is a time investment that is coupled with the low price.  Time is more valuable than money, so I’m feeling like I was duped here.  I can eat an apple in ten minutes, a kiwi in five, some celery sticks in five to ten, but fruits like a pomegranate and oranges/grapefruits take me at least a half hour, with the POM being way longer.  The taste is extraordinary, but the time investment is not.  The time it takes for me to devour something of that magnitude could be spent pursuing other endeavors.  But I guess this is the way one must eat if he/she wants to live a healthy life.  I can get used to it, I must get used to it.  It’s not a hard pill to swallow, but it can take away from my other activities.

I am going to make it a goal of mine to eat three servings of vegetables, three servings of fruit, and at least one serving of nuts each day, preferably all raw.  I may have a soup every now and then, but the goal here is to completely revitalize the nutrients in the foods I’m taking in.  I had never really taken into consideration the damage that’s done to cooked food in the process of cooking.  Although I cannot forsee myself taking cooked food completely out of my life, to eat it as minimally as possible would definitely be a good goal to follow, but then I have to define minimal and possible.  Last night, at work, I was riddled with temptations from coworkers:  “Do you want a piece of pizza?  How about a chocolate bar?”  I said, “No thank you, I just ate.”  I think the best way to go about doing this is to always have a snack on hand.  Something like a pear or some brccoli/celery so that you’re not tempted by other things because you have something at your disposal to steer you away from the “devil foods.”

Another thing that’s been bothering me is dairy products.  They taste decent, but they wreak havoc on my stomach and digestive system to the point I feel lousy when I wake up the next day.  It’s probably best to avoid them as much as possible as well.  Not to mention the cholestorol and high saturated fat content in most of these products, but it’s more the destruction of them that get to me.  They boil these products and mess up the chemistry of it just so it has a longer shelf life.

In a post about whether or not I want to go raw, located here, I talk about how it may be worth a shot trying it out for awhile, but there are so many external pressures in life that totally take away from your attempt, like going out to eat with family.  People are going to wonder why you’re getting just a salad and all that.  “Why don’t you want to eat like a man?”  Things like that.  But that is not really a problem, just a proposed one.  It hasn’t actually happened to me, but the very thought of it, for some reason, can make me change my diet back to cooked foods.  I’ll have to start figuring out solutions to this problem.  I’ll post in the future about this conundrum.  If that’s how you spell that word.  Later.

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I Don’t Get It

I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t get it.  I feel as if I reside outside myself.  Ever since I had a brain tumor and the subsequent surgeries, it’s been a very surreal experience for me.  It’s very strange, and it’s very hard to explain completely, but here it goes:

It’s almost as if I am living in a dream-like state, kind of like I’m observing myself independent of my body, but also through my own eyes.  I can’t really place words on it, but to place this sort of feeling would be hard to do completely.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s the fact that I don’t understand it completely and it’s got me thinking about what reality really is.  Is it just a dream?  Because when I have dreams, they seem so real.  The places, the detail, it’s so vivid, just like real life.  So maybe life is just a very persistent dream.  Because that’s how I feel in life, just like when I’m dreaming.  It feels the same now.  I even have trouble distinguishing from the two.  Some things I’ve done in my dream I think I’ve done in reality and vice-versa.  I feel I’m moving closer to the truth, though.  Finding out that there is something above me, my physcial body that is, and it’s also a part of me.  It’s something that kind of works with me to create the world as I see it.  But I don’t know why.  I’m working towards finding out, but it’s so damn confusing.  There isn’t much direction and the more I think about it, the more confused I become.  There has to be some meaning in this existance, but what is the meaning?

Finding something like this out will take me awhile.  It will be something i enjoy though.  I think that figuring out this question is the purpose of all of our lives.  But most of us don’t do that.  And this is a shame.  Only a select few have actually done it:  Jesus, Buddha, and other mystics, but that was true to them.  Some of the things are true to me, but not all of them.  But by examining these things, we start to understand that we don’t really know.  No one does.  We’re here, but we can’t possibly know why or what our lives will mean.  It’s so abstract, but it tugs at our core beliefs so much that it can alter the world we live in drastically.  But by doing this, we gain more clarity.

I’ve began to embark on this journey for about a year now and I really don’t know where it will take me.  I am wandering across this plane of existance, while also going to other planes.  The dream plane is completely random and the “reality” plane is very concrete and other planes I’ve never been on are probably somewhere in between.  But I’m not sure why or what or how.  So I just sit here, wondering, trying to figure this all out, while at the same time trying to hold a job and maintain a life.  It’s becoming exhausting just to be, just to exist, and doing that alone is no easy task.  It takes so much mental energy to ponder these things and to put everything in perspective in so many ways and wonder about how the world works and if it’s simply in our own minds.  Who knows what’s really going on?  It could all be some kind of dream,and that’s the way it’s starting to look in my world.

But there has to be a point to all of this.  Some things don’t make sense to me.  We were born into this world with all these rules that we had no idea were in effect, we were not consulted when they were made, and other things.  It’s a real weird situation as I see reality almost breaking down in front of me.  As I attack each core belief, I start to see different things happen that don’t seem possible under my old system.  It’s almost as if I’m at the helm of the ship and I can decide what it is that’s real, but even if I can, what does that matter?  So what if I’m powerful?  And I use that power for good/evil?  What will that do for me as an entity, not as a body?  My body is not me anymore, it’s more a part of me, but just as much as my soul or spirit is part of me.

I hope I have some answers real soon on some of these questions.  I will be back in a couple of days after I contemplate this more.  It’s so expansive, I may get stuck for awhile, but at least I’m making some headway, and I have to find meaning it it.  So, until next time…

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