I thought I’d share a bit of my quotes that I sometimes use in stand-up and others that are just funny (or at least I think they’re funny 
) Most of them are one-liners, minimalist comedy. They’re very Steven Wright-esque. I’ll do a couple of posts like this for this week.
I saw a movie based on a true story, It wasn’t that good. It would be better if I saw it in real life.
I can’t trust going to the mechanic, even for an oil change. I know they’re trying to take advantage of me. They said, “You need your tires rotated.” Don’t my tires rotate while I’m driving? I’m not falling for that.
I have a friend who was in a terrible car accident and now he’s paralyzed all over his body. That doesn’t keep him down though. He still has a job and everything. He’s working Macy’s as a mannequin.
I tried going to a focus group, but I couldn’t concentrate. I think I might have adult ADD. I was sposed to get tested the yesterday, but I got distracted.
Babies R Us uses false advertising. There I was, looking like an idiot, saying, “Yeah, give me two boys and a girl.”
One of my friends got one of those Sports Illustrated swimsuit models calendar, except there were all old ladies on it. I asked him, “Where did you get that?” He said, “The antiques store.”
When I was in college, my roommate was a ceramics major, which really worked out for me, because every time I got mad at him, I broke a pot. By the end of the semester, he had to be institutionalized.
I like to think outside of the box. It wasn’t my idea. The box was too crowded.
I tried to get a copy of the want ads, the guy told me, “Sorry, those are classified.”
I don’t do drugs because I’m high on life…that cereal is amazing.
I give back to my community. When the judge says community service, I say yes. I’ve been volunteering at a nursing home. Yesterday I was playing memory game with the Alzheimer’s patients…
The thing I find amazing about old people is a lot of them have arthritis and their medication has a child proof cap, so they can’t open it because it hurts their hands. So they ask their grandchildren to open it for them. Do you see something wrong with this picture?
I think that apathy is underrated, but then again I really don’t care.
*I don’t judge a book by its cover. I judge it by the title page.
I have a schizophrenic mood ring. It has a split screen.
I have a friend who’s pessimistic. I call him up every day and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” He always says, “Not too good. I’m still alive.”
My car broke down, but I don’t belong to AAA. So I called AA. I said, “Hello, is this AA?” She said yes. I said, “My car broke down.” She said, “Okay, I’ll only help you if you admit you have a problem.”
I rented the Passion of the Christ last week. I only got to see half of it. Does anybody know how it ends? Is it one of those corny Hollywood endings where the hero comes back at the end?
I opted out of Christianity because it’s too negative. Look at the Ten Commandments, thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. What the hell can you do? Pray?
A lot of really successful people never finished college. Bill Gates never finished. Tupac didn’t even go. Hell, Jesus Christ never even went to college and look how successful he was!
As a child, you know you’re not going to be a world class athlete when you get picked after the kid in the wheelchair.
I’m sick of people telling me what I should do with my life. I’m going to do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.
I got a bad haircut at Supercuts. I never saw it coming. That’s false advertising. Next time, I’m going to a place called, We’ve Got Scissors, or We’re Gonna Try. At least if they mess up, I’ll expect it.
There are all quotes from yours truly. I figure I’ll do about 15 to 20 daily and work from there. My comedy can be pretty cerebral, so reading it rather than hearing it will allow you to dwell on it more. I realize that some of my funny ideas look as good in writing as they do onstage. And what better way to publish my comedy to guard against joke thieves than this? If I publish them all here, I have proof that they are mine. And what better way to share them with a wider audience? Right now, I bet a person in Kenya is reading this. Or maybe someone in Antarctica. And you know what they say. Laughter is the best medicine. Anything to bring joy and a smile to people. Enjoy!
http://andrewbrunelle.com/2009/01/21/funny-quotes-by-yours-truly-part-i/