Lately, lately, lately, I don’t know what to say. I’m looking for a new job and applying lots of places, but none of them are calling me back. I’m just trying to build my savings back up and it seems like people are just ignoring me. I must have applied to 40 places in the past 4 months and no one has even called me back yet. Maybe they read my blog. All my dreams and aspirations on this blog are becoming mere child’s play because this society is going to be around for awhile and as the population keeps exploding, the worse it’s going to get. It seems rather hopeless to even go on in a world like this and really try to initiate change because there are so many forces working against me. The whole structure of society forces everyone to act and obey as the establishment says it should. This really bothers me to my very core and if there is no way to make money than to have a job right now, then what am I supposed to do when they don’t call back and every time I call them or visit them, they keep pushing me off to a later date?
I keep applying and applying and applying and all for naught. I know I’ve said before that work is mostly unnecessary, but in our terrible pathological world, it’s the only way to keep living on this god-forsaken planet. I haven’t received one donation for this blog and I’ve given so much, so why should I even ask for them anymore? I hardly get any comments and I just feel like I should just quit everything and just stop blogging because obviously no one is even listening. It’ really getting depressing lately.
I put so much effort into writing on this blog, and I’m putting some effort into getting a job, but neither are working out. I could write some more babble about how if we all lived in balance with nature that jobs wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel like that’s never going to happen, so what am I to do? I just get sick of it sometimes. I feel like the whole world and God is conspiring against me, especially when it comes to my health.
I’ll feel good for a couple of days, and then the blinding headaches come back. I’ll be doing well and think I can finally read again, and I strain my eyes so bad that they hurt for weeks. I go out looking for jobs and I come back with a headache from excessive driving, which for me is less than an hour. It’s not so bad when I don’t push myself, but if I have to go and do anything, it adds on the pain.
This has been going on to various degrees for seven years and I’ve been to numerous doctors, all of them with no answer. I have some good days once in awhile, but I always know the pendulum is going to swing the other way. I often get criticized for not putting in enough effort in certain areas of my life, but if the people criticizing me felt what I feel on a daily basis, they would promptly shut their mouths.
I’m not someone who usually complains because I don’t want a ton of people feeling bad for me or worrying about me. I don’t like it when people are constantly assessing how I’m feeling because I really don’t want to think about it myself. I’m trying my best and if that’s not good enough, too bad. I’m sick and I have days where it’s a miracle I even get out of bed, so don’t you sit there and judge me.
But enough about that. I don’t want a pity party. I’m just not fit for this world the way I feel, at least not right now. And it makes me sad. Because I always had so much potential. I was always so smart. But this cancer in my brain, it took something from me and I don’t know what it was, but it’s been haunting me for seven years. The worst part about this is that hardly anybody understands or even makes an effort to try and understand.
And people wonder why I isolate myself. It’s because every person I see that’s healthy and doing well is just another reminder that that’s not me. That I’ll never feel that good. It’s not easy living with this curse, and it’s been way too long. I just want to get better. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I just want a clear mind and a pain-free life. I want my zest for life back from where it was taken. That’s all. Is that too much to ask?
Andrew.
I read your blog. I read all your entries, even though I don’t comment every time.
You have a lot to offer and I don’t like to see you down on yourself. I know things are hard sometimes and it’s not easy for me to truly understand, but I am always here for you. Always.
Any time you need me.