Escapism

I’ve been having trouble writing in here as of late, in this blog, on this website.  I used to write tons of material, with all sorts of themes and whatnot.  I guess life has a way of switching up priorities in a way that leaves this blog mostly dormant for the past 2.5 years.  Sure, I’ll post once or twice a month from time to time, but it is still evident that this blog is not what it once was.  The only thing I can really attribute this to would be myself working the night shift for a little over 2.5 years.  I haven’t exactly always been in the mood to write, and I’m sleeping all day, with very little alone time at night, when I would most likely be able to pull up this site and write something on it.  I’ve been consumed with watching The X-Files, to which I’ve just cracked into the seventh season, which is an average of 2 episodes a day.  Sadly enough, I watched 6 yesterday.  6 full episodes, a new high.  I guess you could say I’m addicted to it.  That is yet another time drain, and to be honest there is nothing I can do about it until I am done watching every episode.

Perhaps that is part of the problem.  Addiction is something that is defined as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, such as narcotics (or TV shows), to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.  Now I won’t go that far and say that if I were to stop watching The X Files it would cause severe trauma, but I believe addictions are mostly about the escape than anything else.  Escapism is very addictive, in many of its forms.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I work the night shift.  I’m trying to escape days and live my life in the wee hours of the night.  I’m living on a different timetable than 99% of people.  I’m living in the world of the nocturnal animals.  I am not really part of the waking world, nor do I feel like it.  I’ve managed to escape most normal days.

But I’m no vampire, although I certainly behave like one.  At least when it comes to sleep schedules.  I’ve managed to make night shift work pretty well throughout these past 2.5 years, and I am a model employee.  I do what needs to be done.  I’ve managed to save around $21,000, which is nothing to sneeze at.  My life isn’t bad by any stretch.  I’d give it about a 7 out of 10, maybe a little better.  I truly enjoy my job most of the time.  I enjoy the people I work with for the most part.  Life is better by leaps and bounds than it was before I got this job.  I just haven’t been able to blog nearly as much.  Maybe I gave up on this blog subconsciously when it didn’t get the traffic I was hoping for.  My Alexa rating is pathetic.  It is truly pathetic.  And it’s getting worse by the day.  I’m not even in the top 10 million anymore.  Isn’t that great?

I’m having trouble concentrating because whoever it is that mows the lawn is being really loud and distorting my concentration.  Call it a side effect of having brain cancer.  I just can’t focus if there are any loud noises around me.  There’s always something that prevents me from doing what it is that I want to do.  Now I’ve lost all focus on what I was writing about.  The train of thought is gone.  I feel like I’ve lost something here, and I’ve got to fight to get it back.  I know I’ll probably never have a “normal” life, as evidenced by 10 years of on and off problems and the extending number of triggers that exacerbate my condition.  It is what it is, and all attempts to change it have failed thus far.  I’ll never be able to exercise, I’ll never be able to lift heavy objects, I won’t be able to drive for long periods of time, and I won’t be able to actually read books ever again.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make a career out of stand-up comedy because I couldn’t handle the traveling, and the driving, and the flying (which for some reason to do with pressure makes my head hurt really bad for days on end).  I’ve had to give up a lot of my dreams because of this condition of mine, and every time I fight through the resistance, I get worse.  So, it’s not like I have a choice in the matter.  With all of my limitations, it’s almost like I am stuck where I am right now, working at CVS on the night shift, and pretty much recovering on my days off.  A life that no one would write home about, but probably one of the best possible lives I can live in the condition I am in.  I just don’t want to get worse again.

Habit and routine make my life possible.  That is about the extent of it.  I’m like a robot on autopilot sometimes, just doing what I’ve previously programmed myself to do.  This is my life, and it’s not all roses, and it is sometimes warranting escapism.  And at least my escapism isn’t hard drugs or alcohol, but simple, mindless entertainment.  I know better than that.  I’d rather not do more harm to my brain than has already been done through cancer and 3 surgeries.  Anyway, have a nice day.