Ever since the New Year, I’ve been really getting rid of all the junk around my living area. It took me about 3 or 4 days, but I’m finally done. I emptied drawers, emptied boxes, and threw out about 4-5 bags of trash (one giant one and a bunch of normal-sized ones). I spent an entire day today shredding credit card applications and old bank statements. It took me over 3 hours to accomplish this due to the shredder repeatedly overheating. I have to say that the whole experience was extremely time-consuming, but at the same time very liberating. I moved all my furniture and vacuumed in back or under all of them. I threw out so many things that I’ll never use again and were most likely no use to anyone else. I guess I do this every few years to get rid of all the junk I accumulate over that time span. I really got into it this time, though.
I really feel that it is something everyone should do at some point, just to get some relief from their clutter. Visual clutter can be mentally distracting and also stressful for some. The only place that is still a bit cluttered is my desk, which has my laptop and all my vitamins on it. When you take as many vitamins as I do, there’s always a problem of where to store them all. I’m kind of exhausted from doing all of this the past few days, so I might not be as coherent as I usually am. I know it’s been awhile since I posted here, but it’s been mostly a problem of motivation. That and what do I have to say that hasn’t already been said?
I guess the most profound thing I can say about going through years of old items and documents is it really forces you to face yourself. My past was all over this room and there were some things I’d rather not have to remind me of what has happened. There are other things, however, that I found which represent great memories and experiences, like when I got to meet Jerry Seinfeld through Make A Wish Foundation. I feel like once I shredded or threw out the not-so-rosy things that I had accumulated, it was sort of a release of those experiences. Getting fired from two jobs, my whole Winthrop experience, and a few other negative memories were wiped away from my psyche by getting rid of those items. I don’t want to go into great detail about the sort of things that I helped create for myself in the past. As Steven Wright once said, “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried at all.”
What I truly did was remove all the negativity from my living area. Now it’s all things I can look at and feel good about, rather than be ashamed or disgusted by. I had been in a real funk for awhile there and now I finally feel that I’m coming out of it. This is probably the most motivated I’ve been since I worked for CVS. It must have something to do with the New Year. I guess what I’ve realized is that the sensory stimuli I provide to myself is very important. Surround yourself with things that make you feel good, not with reminders of what make you feel bad. I remember a time when I was highly motivated and was actually happy. If I could take one thing back, it would be to not have done what I did to lose my job at CVS. It was stupid, it was naive, it was just plain lunacy. Four-and-a-half years on the night shift probably clouded my judgment and it led me to doing sketchy things with coupons that totally destroyed my livelihood.
That was nearly 1.5 years ago and I still couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of anguish that I caused for myself. This purging cycle has helped get me through it. I’ve messed up so many times in this life since my brain cancer in 2002. I’ve never been able to think clearly ever since my 8.5 hour surgery to get that tumor off my pineal gland. I have severe eye problems with movement and headaches. I cannot exercise, for raising my heart rate causes my head to throb with excruciating pain. It’s been a very hard 12.5 years and all I can say is that I’ve done the best I could. It’s not easy being me and sometimes it hurts to know all that I’ve missed because of my condition. I’ve just never felt the same and it’s so hard never being able to be your true self. I’ve been working through these complex emotions by getting off my ass and purging these past few days.
It really did feel great to re-organize everything that I chose to keep into easy-to-remember places. Now if I need this or that, there’s no digging through boxes of junk. It’s exactly where I want it to be. Everything felt so great after today’s final purge until I went to drive my car. There was a very powerful smell coming from somewhere under the hood and it nearly made me sick. What it did do is give me one of the worst headaches I have ever had. I’m still recovering from it. Tomorrow I’m going to have to get my car towed to Sears and find out what the hell is wrong with my car. No dashboard lights are on, so I’m guessing it could be anything. It’s things like these that really fuck me up. For some reason, I always think the worst when it comes to my car. I’m not sure what they are going to say, but it’s not like I have a lot of options here. I can’t really buy another car right now. Life sometimes just likes to reverse your momentum.
Sometimes I can feel my mind slipping into the abyss, not knowing where it will take me. I just don’t fit in anywhere. All these people on their cell phones all the time, with attention spans the size of milliseconds. Most of the time when I speak to people, they aren’t completely listening. Everyone is overstimulated and distracted with the newest technologies. I’ve never been like that. I’ve always been on for deep conversations and exploring the nature of reality, but there are so few people who aren’t so caught up in their own lives that it’s almost impossible to find people like me. I guess that’s why I prefer solitude to being around people. Most of them aren’t even informed about anything but their favorite sports teams and whatever the mainstream media says is true. You can’t bring up things like “Sandy Hook massacre might have been faked,” or “the Oklahoma City Bombing was an inside job just like 9/11.” You can’t talk about how the people in the shadows pull the strings and cause massive suffering at the hands of us, the public. You can’t talk about manufactured wars, problem-reaction-solution, or the totalitarian tiptoe. It’s frustrating.
As Ran Prieur once pointed out in one of his zines, it seems like “most people are just going through the motions waiting to die.” They are no longer critical thinkers, explorers, nor inquisitive. They are exactly what the elite want them to be: bought off by shiny toys and distractions while the top 0.1% make off with all the money and power. There is so much going on in this world, in this reality, that we cannot even perceive. For people to talk about “facts” and “what is” is one of the biggest errors you can make. To assume that just because some authority says that something is a fact doesn’t make it so. This whole fucking reality is an illusion, a dream anyway. So, to assume that anything exists beyond this present experience is a giant leap of faith. Even what you are perceiving in this current moment is simply neurons firing in your brain.
But nobody ever wants to ask big questions. People always ask small questions, so they get small answers. “What time is the game on?” or “Who are you going to vote for?” It’s hardly ever, “What are we? Why are we? Who are we? What is this reality and where did it originate from?” I’m so sick of small talk, pretending to give a shit about things that don’t affect my life, and people who watch too much news and repeat it as gospel. Don’t they realize that 5 corporations own all the television stations? Don’t they know that there will never be a negative news story about GE because they own the most? Don’t they realize that most TV and movies are propaganda and subliminal messages that are programming us for the New World Order? Something like the Hunger Games, a movie where there is a super-rich population and everyone else (99.9%) is super-poor and have to serve the elite is simply a blueprint to where this planet is headed. I guess what I’m trying to do here is illuminate the collective unconscious. It’s supposed to be conscious. It’s just a shame that most people would rather be ignorant of what is going on than truly face not only themselves, but the world that we truly live in.
Anyway, my neck and eyes are starting to hurt me, but I know at some point this article was about purging, so let’s purge the elites into oblivion so that we can all live as equals, rather than a subservient class to the 13 or 22 families that run this world primarily through banking and fear.