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I’m sure you know of a comedian named Steven Wright if you’re at all a comedy fan.  He’s a very obscure comedian who did much performing in the ’80s and ’90s and he still goes places today, but not as much.  I’d like to give a tribute to him and list some of my favorite jokes of his.  Here they are, in no particular order:

•  A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause I know it’s gonna be up all night.
• How young can you die of old age?
• I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.
• I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
• I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
• I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
•  You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
• So I began hitching.  I got picked up by this huge trailer truck carrying twenty brand new cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and he said, “there’s no room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?”  So I did.  And he was really into picking up people cause he picked up nineteen more.  We all had our own cars.  Then he went 90 miles an hour, we all go speeding tickets.
• I went to the drive in in a cab.  The movie cost me 95 dollars.
• I was skiing in England. I went up in a lift with this guy I never met.  We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word to each other.  Then he said, “You know, this is the first time I’ve been skiing in ten years?”  I said, “Really, why’s that?”  He said, “I was in jail.  You wanna know why?”  I said, “No not really.”  Then i said, “You’d better tell me why.”  He said, “I pushed a total stranger off of a ferris wheel.”  I said, “I remember you.”
• When I have a child, I’m going to get one of those strollers for twins.  I’m gonna tell him he was a twin, too.  “You were a twin and your brother didn’t listen to me.”
• I’m Caesarian born.  Can’t really tell.  Although whenever I leave the house, I go out through the window.
• Whenever I pick up hitchikers, I like to wait a few minutes before I say anything to them.  Then I say, “So how far did you think you were going?  Put your seatbelt on, I wanna try something.  I saw it in a cartoon once, but I”m pretty sure I can do it.”
• I just got back from the hospital.  I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a bookmark, flew across the room.

I guess that’s all I really find notable, but I’m sure there’s more.  He does this one bit where he’s on a elevator and this other guy gets on and they ride the elevator to Phoenix and they go out into the desert and the phone rings and it’s Steven’s loan officer from his bank.  I find him to be abolutely hillarious.  I didn’t mention every joke because I want you to experience him for yourself.  He’s very surreal, but still, very funny.  He’s one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy him as well.  Check out his website, you won’t regret it.

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Ha, ha, ha.  I found a blog that’s devoted to the homeless people.  This guy was homeless for five years and he gives you his survival guide.  It’s a pretty good read and I really enjoyed looking at his site.  Sure, the posts weren’t very long, but I got the gist of what it must be like to be homeless.  He never did mention if he ever got put on house arrest.  If he did, he probably wouldn’t be able to go inside.  Well, check it out, I dare you.

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Has anyone here ever given up TV?  Just for a day?  A week?  A month?  It’s not the easiest thing to do in the world because we’re so used to watching it all the time.  It’s like a filler for our days and our nights.  When there’s nothing else to do, let’s watch Deal or No Deal or whatever else is on.  What I don’t understand is that we’ll watch these people do things and have no intention of doing those things ourself.  Like if you watch a talk show, you have no intention of going on that talk show or ever hosting your own talk show, so why bother?  Who cares about who Maury says the father is?  I guess it’s just a way for us to cope with the fact that those people are doing worse than us.  Most people take pleasure in looking down on people who are less fortunate than they are.  What they don’t understand is someday that could be them.

But TV is so negative sometimes.  Have you ever seen the news?  It’s always, “seven dead, thirteen wounded, terrorist threats, etc., etc., etc.”  I can’t take that anymore.  It makes the world seem so dangerous without us even experiencing the danger firsthand.  It’s just a bunch of scare tactics.  I totally hate it.  And then all those news channels like Fox News have all these hidden agendas and only let certain kinds of shows on and it’s just awful.  I can’t stand it anymore.

And then there’s the fact that most of the shows that are meant for entertainment suck.  I mean, look at the reality shows they have on now.  Dancing with the Stars?  Fucking Skating with Celebrities?  Have we gone insane?  How the hell can I in my right mind watch garbage like that?  It’s just not right.  It is terrible.  I really can’t see how people can spend a good chunk of their life watching shows they don’t even like.  I’ve done this before, though.  I figured I’d see what was on TV.  Nothing.  So I watched something I didn’t even like just to pass the time.  Why?  Because I couldn’t find anything better to occupy my time with.  Now I have better things to do.

Now I’m not looking down on you TV watchers.  I really can empathize with you.  You’ve been watching it your whole life and you you’re so used to watching it that you can’t seem to break the habit.  But why do it?  Every time I’ve seen someone watching TV, it’s almost like they’re hypnotized or in a zombie-like state. And don’t try and interrupt their soap opera.  They want to find out every little detail about whoever is on there.  It’s just sick as hell.

Let’s not forget about Dr. Phil.  What an arrogant asshole.  I can’t stand him.  Who the hell does he think he is?  He thinks he’s a good therapist.  He thinks he’s so good that he can solve all your problems in a twenty-minute segment.  And he’ll often just tell people how messed up they are in an attempt to piss them off to the point that they have to be restrained on national television.  Then they realize that they don’t even have a problem.  Their only problem is a mental one.  The fact that they opted to go on a show where a bald doctor who cares more about ratings than actually helping people is the problem.  I’d rather go on Montel Williams and smoke a joint before I’d ever talk to Dr. Phil and his Ultimate Weight Loss Solution.  You know what that was?  You lose all your hair and develop a southern accent.  That’s his Ultimate Weight Loss Diet.

I can’t watch sticoms anymore either.  They’re sickening.  They all blend in together and they’re all the same thing.  It’s just awful.  How can I watch a show with the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond and some woman from another show I never watched?  Then I have to act like I’m genuinely interested before they let me down completely by suggesting some awful premise that I can’t even relate to whatsoever.  Sometimes I wonder…

So I invite you to try a couple of weeks without TV.  Just give it a try.  I know I will because I haven’t seen a show worth watching in at least six years.  Except for South Park.  That’s it.  No other show has ever made me feel like I’ve accomplished something while I watched it.  And this is why some of those people on TV can’t have nice things.  Fill that void with something you like to do, like one of your hobbies.  There’s no need for filler if your life is filled with fun things to do.  There are far more entertaining and valuable resources out there for you to enjoy.  Peace out.

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