I have more funny quotes to kind of lighten the mood here on my blog. I hope you enjoy these as much as the last ones:
They tell all these stories on the save the children from that commercial from third world. They’re like, “This girl lived in a cardboard hut on the side of a cliff. When the rains came, it washed everything away.” Well, why was your cardboard hut on the edge of a cliff? You’d never be able to sell it. Real Estate is all about Location, location, location!!
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he tells me that I have OCD. I said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. I was too busy wondering if I locked my front door.”
I had this roommate is college. I hated him so much. He was a waste of life. He was over 350 pounds and all he did was eat and sleep. At one point I had to tell him, “Right now you’re doing three of the deadly sins: Sloth, gluttony, and McDonald’s.”
You know, humans are kind of like used cars. We all have things that don’t work right, some of us have a big trunk, some a smaller trunk. Some of us are compact cars, others are those big station wagon types that back out of the driveway and take up the whole road. But we all drive at our own speed. We all get things done in a certain way. Some of us take shortcuts. But we all end up at a dead end.
Don’t you hate having a boss? I don’t know why, but he thinks he’s in charge of me or something. I don’t know where he got that idea.
I just don’t know anymore. I don’t. Do you know? Because if you do, you could really help me out? Oh, you don’t know? Damn, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
You ever just sit back and imagine what the world would be like if you were never born? Like would all of you be here staring at an empty stage (or reading an empty blog)?
You would think the tobacco industry would make a cigarette that doesn’t kill you. Not because they care about you, but because the longer you live, the longer you smoke.
I hate reality TV. Maybe it’s because I hate reality.
I want to get better at being lazy, but it’s too much work.
Someone broke into our house once. He didn‘t steal anything. The only thing he took from me was my sense of security.
I accidentally cut off my finger a few months ago. I knew it was an emergency, so I grabbed the phone, but I had it upside down. So I called 119. They sent an ambulance, but it was driving in reverse.
I could never have six pack abs. That means I couldn’t go in the ocean. Fish might get stuck in the rings.
I went to the pharmacy for some Q tips, but right next to them was something called an “Earwax Removal Kit.” And I thought to myself, “I bet it works a lot better than Q tips.” So I bring it home, the box is like “this” big (large as hell), I finally get through all the packing material. It was a fucking Q tip.
Some people actually think homosexuality is a disease. For some reason, they do. Like tye’re saying you could call in gay to work. “Sorry, boss, but I can’t come in today. Yup, I’m really, really gay today.”
I’ve never met a homeless person with good credit.
I’m not with all the trends today. Like people buying clothes with holes in them. It’s the style, they say. So I go home an cut holes in all my jeans. I come outside and all of the sudden it’s not popular anymore.
’m lazy, believe me. The only exercise I do all day is one sit up when I get out of bed. And one more when I get up from my nap. I’ve gotten real accustomed to the sound of my alarm clock too. “Beep, beep, beep, beep,” kinda sounds like a techno song.
I’m working on developing the fourth law of physics. The whiter the shirt, the higher the chance you spill something on it.
One year I didn’t have any money to get my family stuff for Christmas. So I bought them books at the library. They were like: “Wow, Andrew, thanks for the book!” “Yeah, I hope you read really fast because they’re due back Friday.”
So, yeah, here they are. I hope you enjoy them. These are just from my archives. That’s why they’re in blue.
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