I’m Moving to Texas!

I’m just here to say that I’m taking this blog offline for awhile.  I’m bored with it now.  Everything I talk about is falling on deaf ears and I just can’t take it anymore.  I suck at marketing it and I figure I might as well sell it to another Andrew Brunelle who lives in Spokane, WA.  I’m sorry to all my loyal readers, but the time has come to reach a new realization.  Nobody likes my blog.  I figure I might as well end my career as a blogger and move onto what I really love to do–rodeos.  There’s nothing that gets me happier than tying up a baby bull or whatever they tie up on those rodeo shows.  I’ll be moving to Texas next week to pursue that dream.  Wish me luck.

I think I’ll fit in there.  I’ve got the goatee and the cowboy hat.  I just need a horse to ride, but I’m sure they’ll be able to provide one.  Yee-haw! will be my new catchphrase and I will chew tobacco and smoke cigarettes simultaneously.  I will be the Marlboro man and the redneck rolled all up into one.  If I keep that up for 30 years, maybe they’ll take my jaw out and I’ll look like that poster from my health class.  I might even be able to get a stoma.  This is going to be great!

I won’t ever need to read or write again because the rodeo life is a life of experience.  I’ll be more popular than Tim McGraw if I can get myself a couple of bucks on my first try.  I may even progress to bull fighting.  That would be the ultimate glory.  I hope it’s just like those cartoons I used to watch.  Anyway, I hope this all goes well and I may write in a couple of decades to reflect on my experiences out in Texas.  I’ll see you in 20 years!  April Fools!

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Funny Quotes by Yours Truly, Part III

I have more funny quotes to kind of lighten the mood here on my blog.  I hope you enjoy these as much as the last ones:

They tell all these stories on the save the children from that commercial from third world. They’re like, “This girl lived in a cardboard hut on the side of a cliff. When the rains came, it washed everything away.” Well, why was your cardboard hut on the edge of a cliff? You’d never be able to sell it. Real Estate is all about Location, location, location!!

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he tells me that I have OCD. I said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. I was too busy wondering if I locked my front door.”

I had this roommate is college. I hated him so much. He was a waste of life. He was over 350 pounds and all he did was eat and sleep. At one point I had to tell him, “Right now you’re doing three of the deadly sins: Sloth, gluttony, and McDonald’s.”

You know, humans are kind of like used cars. We all have things that don’t work right, some of us have a big trunk, some a smaller trunk. Some of us are compact cars, others are those big station wagon types that back out of the driveway and take up the whole road. But we all drive at our own speed. We all get things done in a certain way. Some of us take shortcuts. But we all end up at a dead end.

Don’t you hate having a boss? I don’t know why, but he thinks he’s in charge of me or something. I don’t know where he got that idea.

I just don’t know anymore. I don’t. Do you know? Because if you do, you could really help me out? Oh, you don’t know? Damn, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

You ever just sit back and imagine what the world would be like if you were never born? Like would all of you be here staring at an empty stage (or reading an empty blog)?

You would think the tobacco industry would make a cigarette that doesn’t kill you. Not because they care about you, but because the longer you live, the longer you smoke.

I hate reality TV. Maybe it’s because I hate reality.

I want to get better at being lazy, but it’s too much work.

Someone broke into our house once. He didn‘t steal anything. The only thing he took from me was my sense of security.

I accidentally cut off my finger a few months ago. I knew it was an emergency, so I grabbed the phone, but I had it upside down. So I called 119. They sent an ambulance, but it was driving in reverse.

I could never have six pack abs. That means I couldn’t go in the ocean. Fish might get stuck in the rings.

I went to the pharmacy for some Q tips, but right next to them was something called an “Earwax Removal Kit.” And I thought to myself, “I bet it works a lot better than Q tips.” So I bring it home, the box is like “this” big (large as hell), I finally get through all the packing material. It was a fucking Q tip.

Some people actually think homosexuality is a disease. For some reason, they do. Like tye’re saying you could call in gay to work. “Sorry, boss, but I can’t come in today. Yup, I’m really, really gay today.”

I’ve never met a homeless person with good credit.

I’m not with all the trends today. Like people buying clothes with holes in them. It’s the style, they say. So I go home an cut holes in all my jeans. I come outside and all of the sudden it’s not popular anymore.

’m lazy, believe me. The only exercise I do all day is one sit up when I get out of bed. And one more when I get up from my nap. I’ve gotten real accustomed to the sound of my alarm clock too. “Beep, beep, beep, beep,” kinda sounds like a techno song.

I’m working on developing the fourth law of physics. The whiter the shirt, the higher the chance you spill something on it.

One year I didn’t have any money to get my family stuff for Christmas. So I bought them books at the library. They were like: “Wow, Andrew, thanks for the book!” “Yeah, I hope you read really fast because they’re due back Friday.”

So, yeah, here they are.  I hope you enjoy them.  These are just from my archives.  That’s why they’re in blue.

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My Tape

I have my tape in my possession and I can’t seem to get the video to appear here on my blog, so here’s the link:

 Andrew Brunelle at Comix in NY

I really wish the code would work so I could have the Youtube video on here on the blog, but it just won’t work for me.  That’s okay because I can always link to it through Youtube.  I also have it on my Myspace page.  Go by and check that out if you wish.  This was part of a documentary I was filming for a Canadian TV show.  I hope you all can have a look at it and let me know what you think.  It’s a very short set, so I really couldn’t get into that much, but I thought it was pretty concise.

Feel free to donate to my webpage.  I appreciate any offer.

Comedy and the Act of Lightening Up

It’s a cruel, cruel world out there and it helps to  lighten up every once in awhile.  No matter how bad things get, you still have the free gift of laughter.  No matter how bad your problems are, it doesn’t mean you can’t chuckle.  Nothing should stop you from being happy.  It’s a choice.  You can choose to enjoy your life or to be miserable.  The choice is up to you.  It’s a great way to relieve tension.  This is why comedy is such a powerful force in the world today.  It gives people the chance to have a good time, regardless of circumstances.  Unless, of course, you’re still choosing to be miserable at a comedy club.

I don’t care how bad your past was.  You can make a better present by lightening up.   And you can create a more enjoyable future by embracing the gift of laughter.  You have the power.  The only person who can take this power away from you is yourself.  People even attest today that laughter is therapeutic.  It can be used to cure people.  Read Anatomy of an Illness by Norman Cousins.  Check out Amazon or wherever you buy your books from.  I’m not affiliated with any book vendors, so just check out books on the power of laughter.  Lighten up because you can.  It will make you feel good.  And it’s not addictive, like the hard drugs some people do to make themselves feel good.  But it is contagious.  It’s a virus that can spread throughout a room.  At least it’s better than all the other viruses out there.

You don’t even need a reason to laugh.  You can just start laughing.  Sometimes I find myself laughing for no reason and it’s perfectly okay.  It’s a positive activity.  You can even laugh at yourself.  Laugh at what terrible fate has befallen upon you.  It will relax you.  It will empower you because it will raise your emotional state.  Whatever you fancy, go ahead and take a good hard laugh about it.  It’s a language we can all speak.  You can even laugh at the mass extinction of all humans by an alien race that comes here to annhilate us.  You can get a good laugh about the oncoming collapse of society or the impermanence of the universe.  You can pretty much laugh at anything.  So what’s stopping you from enjoying yourself?

I remember comedian Louis C.K. doing a joke about how poor he was.  He said something like, “Have you ever been so broke it just becomes funny to you?  You look at your bills and say, ‘I’m not paying this!’  The electric company calls and says they’re turning off the electricity.  ‘Fuck it!  Turn it off.  I don’t give a shit.’”  Here’s the link: Louis CK #2

He also does this great bit there where he talks about how the bank is calling him because he had insufficient funds, only $20.  And the bank charges him $15 dollars because he only has $20 in the bank.   It’s basically a whole routine about being broke.  He’s one of my favorite comedians because he is so brutally honest and doesn’ t hold back.  I suggest you pick up his DVD Shameless.  It’s so funny, it’s unbelievable.  He is a bit on the swearing side.  He uses foul language.  But it doesn’t seem offensive when he does it.  Just watch that clip and see if it makes you feel better than you do right now.   I want you to see firsthand the amazing power of laughter.

Edit:  He also does this amazing bit towards the end where his toilet is too close to the tub.  Funny as hell.  I really think you’ll enjoy him.  

On a related note, I believe my video from NY is at the Post Office and I’m picking it up Monday.  I’ll be able to put it on this site or at least link to it on Youtube.  I’ll find out tomorrow what’s waiting at the PO for me, but I’m almost 100% sure it’s my tape.  Look for it in the near future.

And just to give you something else from Louis, here’s Louis CK on Gay Marriage.

Bill Hicks on Marketing and George Carlin

I thought I’d give you a few comedy clips I enjoy.  The first one is Bill Hicks on marketing.  I love this one because he was so anti-advertising and he was against consumerism.  This is why I really enjoy him as a comic genius.  He wasn’t afraid to say the things that people did not want to hear.

And for those of you who are concerned about the planet, I implore you to look at it from an alternative perspective in George Carlin’s famous bit called Saving the Planet.  This is a bit more thoughtful than the bit above.  I love this bit because it sheds some light on some of the things I talk about on this blog.  I’m not worried about the planet still existing.  I’m worried about it becoming a vast wasteland.  But it will eventually regenerate once we’re gone anyway.  My favorite quote from George in this bit is, “The planet is going anywhere.  We are.”  George was the same in the way he said things that people were thinking but were afraid to hear.

I hope you can take the same value and understanding from these clips that I do.  I’m thinking of devoting one day a week to comedy I enjoy.  I’ll link to a few clips and we’ll all have a few laughs.  Wednesday seems like the logical day.  It’s right in the middle of the week.  Friday’s too far away, and you’re tired from getting up early 3 days in a row.  There’s still 2 more to go and maybe humor shall help you through your day.

P.S.  Just for kicks, I thought I’d throw in some deadpan humor in the form of Steven Wright.   He is one of my favorites, so I find him just hilarious.

If you found this post helpful or funny or something else, please feel free to donate to me.  I take pride in my work and would appreciate any donation you can make.