Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Orthorexia

Monday, February 16th, 2009

It’s an interesting term.  It is a term categorizing people who are obsessive about eating a pure and clean healthy diet.  People who will have a coniption if they ingest any trans fat or white flour.  It’s all about purity with these people.  And I think their condition is perfectly logical.  They care enough about their health to only put into their body pure foods and drinks.  It’s called taking control of your health, but the medical industrial complex has actually created a disease for people who eat too healthily.  Sure, some of them have serious problems, like they don’t get enough calories, but that falls more on the anorexic side.

The only cure for this condition is to eat factory-farmed, antibiotic-laden, pesticide filled foodstuff, or to eat any of the genetically modified foods you find in 75% of processed foods.  No wonder people are dying of all these diseases.  People would rather not know what’s in their food as long as it tastes good.  Short-term thinking over long-term thinking leads to unneccessary disease.  And you can make healthy food taste good.  There are tons of healthy spices and herbs.  People are busy, though.  They don’t have time to cook a healthy meal for their family.  I guess that means they all get to go to McDonald’s, where the child’s food is companion with a toy, giving the grey hamburgers under wilted lettuce a positive memory because of some toy that breaks the second you leave the restaurant.

We’re a nation that eats too much as well.  Not only is the food we eat unhealthy, we also eat too much of it.  Obesity has gone up so much and early-onset diabetes is in a much larger percentage of the population.  Social conditioning tells us to go along with this trend, a trend that is going to actually lower life expectancy in the coming years.  So, is it to be postulated that taking control of yourself is a mental illness?  Because I’m in the normal range of weight and don’t eat processed crap, I’m the one that needs help?  Because I read the ingredient labels on everything I eat, that makes me obsessive?

I’m not quite orthorexic, but I do care deeply about my health because being healthy increases my capacity to contribute.  I do eat processed food and it doesn’t bother me that much, as long as it’s not really unhealthy.  But I used to be that way and I felt better than I do now.  I used to make fruit smoothies every morning and was filled with energy.  Now I down a couple cups of coffee and I get the same effect, but it’s nowhere near as healthy.  But I still am very conscious of what I eat.  You have to be.  Otherwise, food could become an addiction.  There are so many people in the world who are addicted to food.  Just any old food.  Anything that’s there.  Usually processed, greasy, sugary, salty, MSG-laden foods.  Is it better to be addicted to that or addicted to eating healthy foods?  Seriously.

The Standard American Diet is a practice in self-destruction.  How many more heart attacks are there than 100 years ago?  Has our biology changed that much in a short span of time or is it our food?  The latter is obvious.  And if you get to be so obsessive that you don’t even trust the Organic label anymore, you can always convert to breatharianism, which is where you get all your nourishment from the air and the sun.  But what about air pollution?  Exactly.  You can’t even do that.  That’s when you know you have a problem.  And even if you’re absolutely right about the Organic label being mostly phony or whatever, you still go hungry, which is probably worse than ingesting a couple of pesticides once in awhile.  Just don’t make it a habit.

Oh, and I almost forgot!  Make sure you don’t have your pets spayed and neutered.  Set them free where they can live in balance with nature.

Raise Your Consciousness Today

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

The best way to raise your consciousness is to do things that stimulate and open your mind. We live most of our lives in a box, hardly ever going out of it. It’s the box that our belief system fits in. We’ll easily discount anything that lies outside the box and blindly accept anything that’s inside this box. If I were to ask you how you can prove that something exists independent of your awareness, maybe you’d say yes and maybe you’d say no. It has nothing to do with proof because saying yes is an unprovable assumption. Saying no is also an unprovable assumption. How do you know this world doesn’t work like a dream? Where only what you experience is real? I challenge you to prove that something exists independent of your awareness. When you are away from your family members, can you prove they don’t exist if you’re not currently aware of them?

Our reality is up for question all the time. Most people deny things that don’t fit. If they see a psychic on television, it has to be scripted. If they hear about a haunted house, those people have schizophrenia. It doesn’t matter the perspective. Most people will spend their entire lives in a box filled with unprovable assumptions. Why? I guess because it’s too much work to question what is around you and think for yourself. It’s easier to just accept what other people tell you. Let them do the thinking for you. That way you can relax and watch an episode of your favorite TV show, where all the characters share the same perspective as you.

If you think about most major religions, much of their teachings were good, but the reality they lived in was so very different than the one we live in today. I’m not going to condemn them for thinking the Earth was the center of the universe and that it was flat. And if you did dare question that “fact,” you were thrown in jail. Imagine what “facts” we’ll know tomorrow. The fact of the matter is that the only thing you can be completely sure of existing is your own awareness. You know you have a consciousness. You don’t know anything for sure except what your consciousness feeds to you. Everything else is a big question mark.

Just open your mind to this perspective and see where it takes you. That you’re basically living in a dream world where the only thing that exists is what you are consciously perceiving at this moment. See where it takes you. I guess you could call it the most basic belief system and the most sound. Everything in it is provable. Your experience of it proves it. If there is anything out there other than your awareness, you can’t say it is there or not because you are not currently experiencing it. You can choose to believe what you want about the rest, but know that you could be wrong. But you really don’t know that because in order to prove something exists, you must become aware of it. I’ll say that I challenge you to prove that I exist independent of your awareness. You can’t do it. Even if you came down to Myrtle Beach and saw me, you would then be aware of me and therefore could prove I exist.

It’s hard to break out of your box. It’s hard to say to yourself that many of your beliefs unrprovable. When you start opening this box, it makes things very complicated. You’ll be more unsure than you’ve ever been in your entire life. But then you’ll start to notice things that actually happen through first-hand experience that will add to your belief system. I say don’t believe something unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Otherwise, you could be buying a lie. Firsthand knowledge of your reality will make you confident in your belief system. Unless you’ve experienced talking to dead relatives or other spirits, how can you possibly believe in life after death? Because some authority figure told you so? But you are free to choose your own beliefs.

I’m just saying it is stupid to take someone else’s word on the nature of reality. Think about it. Those people could be completely full of shit. You’re the only one who knows what you’ve experienced. So choose based on your experiences. You can use the morals from other belief systems if you feel intuitively that they’re right, but never take any religious text literally. How do you know Jesus walked on water? How do you know he didn’t? You don’t.

I think our beliefs do shape our reality, so it makes sense to keep beliefs that empower you. It does not make sense to keep beliefs that make you powerless. If you choose to believe something, make sure it is congruent with the reality you currently experience. Otherwise, it will be nothing but delusion. If you believe you’re a multi-millionaire, but have $200 in the bank, wouldn’t people consider you to be crazy? They would bring you back to reality by saying, “You’re broke!” You can intend for your money to increase, but saying you are a millionaire is just deluding yourself. You have to look at your beliefs and see if they accurately match the reality you experience. Otherwise, why do you believe what you believe? Because of some old book?

If you found this post helpful or whatever, please feel free to donate to my website. Perhaps you could start tithing to the Church I’m building…The Church of Consciousness.

Funny Quotes From Yours Truly Part II

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

I figured I’d lighten the mood after my two rants below.  I have to warn you, there are a few abortion jokes in here.  I hope it won’t offend you.  Here are some more of my quotes:

I’ve been watching a lot of Court TV lately. Forensic Files is a great show. It’s amazing how they can catch you with the smallest bit of evidence…like a toenail. See this guy in the interrogation room. “We did find your toenails at the scene of the crime.” “Oh, man, I knew I shouldn’t have clipped my toenails after I killed her. The clippers were right there. I knew if I didn‘t do it then I would forget.”

Some children get all mad when they find out they were adopted. Like when I was fifteen, my friend found out he was adopted. He was crying. I tried to cheer him up, “Hey, cheer up, at least you weren’t aborted.”

When I was a kid, I thought I had an identical twin who lived in my mirror. When I was six years old, my parents told me that he… was adopted.

What the hell is with “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too?” That’s a bunch of crap. Why would I have cake if I’m not gonna eat it? It’s my cake. I should be able to do whatever the fuck I want with it.

So it’s wacky tie day at the abortion clinic and I am dressed to kill.

*A cup of coffee can save a third world child….I hope it’s not a Starbucks cup of coffee…cause I can’t afford that shit.

I remember having to read A Tale of Two Cities for college.  I hated it.  I even bought the cliff notes.  I would’ve rather jumped off a cliff than read that whole thing.  My report consisted of two sentences.  “It was the best of times, it was a waste of time to read this book.”

I decided to join gambler’s anonymous. It doesn’t help. It’s a 21 step program and when you finish them, you yell out Blackjack!

I used to work at a supermarket. We had to watch all these training videos. My favorite one was called, “How to Prevent Shoplifting.” So I stole it…shhh.

You ever have somebody pull over and ask for directions, you give them to him, then after they leave, you realize, “I gave them the wrong directions.” Then you remember you did it on purpose.

Growing up, across the street lived a Native American family. So I did the American thing. I took all their land. We just walked into their house, “Here’s some beads, thanks for the house.”

Willie Wonka was a diabetic. That’s why he loved to torture children.

I was quiet in high school. My senior year, I took a vow of silence. Nobody noticed.

One of my life dreams is to develop a fanny pack that doesn’t look gay.

You know they say there’s a 40-year grieving period before you can joke about a national tragedy. Like WW 2 and JFK being shot. I don’t think that’s fair. I shouldn’t have to wait 40 years to joke about President Bush.

I found out today that generally pessimistic people live longer than people who are optimistic. What kind of cruel joke is that? “My life sucks. I can’t wait to die.” “Too bad!” If anyone ever asks me why I’m pessimistic. “Just looking out for my future.”

I once went bungee jumping at a site called “No Strings Attached.”

I had a blind cousin who, as a kid, was a real terror. He used to write all over the walls in Braille.

All right, I guess that’s enough for today.  I have thousands of jokes, but I don’t want to spend them all in one post.  Stay tuned for some more jokes and more social commentaries.  Which one I’ll do next, I don’t know.  If you want to hook up to my RSS feed, I recommend Google Reader.   It’s what I use personally.  Don’t worry, I’m not one of their affiliates.  I just find their free service useful.

If you found this article helpful (or funny), spread the spirit of giving and donate to my cause.

Dark Comedy

Saturday, January 31st, 2009

My mind isn’t working the way it used to.  Everything feels like it’s in a fog.  I’m wandering around in the dark looking for light.  You ever feel like that before?  You just feel like everything is so far away and you’re there, but not really.  My laptop is dying.  It’s not going to make it much longer.  It’s struggling to even get online.  I did a system restore, but it didn’t change anything.  It is really old.  It’s 4.5 years old.  I’ve had it since July 2004.  I lost 3 keys on it.  Now I have to use a keyboard attached to it through a USB port.  So it goes.

I was researching dark comedy on the Internet the other day and I found something that was pretty funny.  On Wikipedia, it says that domestic violence is something that is used in a so-called dark comedy.  How the hell would someone be watching a wife getting the living hell beaten out of her and think, “God that’s funny in a dark sort of way.”  The only time I’ve seen that used was on American Dad when the alien is watching a Lifetime movie and says, “Why do they stay?  Why do they stay?,” referring to the women on the movies who keep getting beaten up and continue to stay in their relationship.  Then he ends up getting in an abusive friendship with another kid because the child in his house doesn’t have time for him.

What’s your opinion on dark humor?  When does it go too far?  American Psycho is an example of a dark comedy that was insanely funny, but also really disturbing.  It was about a yuppie serial killer who was just the funniest character I’ve ever seen.  The way he talked and acted was just hilarious.  He went crazy because some guy had a better business card than him.  He lost it.  He killed the guy over it.  And he played 80s music while he did it, commenting on the history of the band that was playing.

Chuck Palahniuk writes a lot of dark comedy books that I consider to be genius.   They’re dark and interesting.  I think if you want to make fun of something, you should be able to.  It’s either all okay or none of it is.  It does take guts to go all dark, but if it’s done right, it can be insanely funny.  For example:

“You ever not get out of bed for a month?  And the only reason you got out of bed was to avoid getting bedsores?”  or “What do you think necrophiliacs say to their corpses?  ‘Honey, is everything all right?  You’re a lttle stiff tonight.’”

“I know I’m not for everyone.  I don’t even like my comedy.”

“I used to be homophobic, but I’m not anymore.  I just cancelled my subscription to Gay Basher magazine.”

Or as the great George Carlin once said, “Rape can be funny!  Imagine Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig.”

Later…

Creative Expression

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

Why do people write?  To express themselves creatively.  Or to prove a point.  Or for some other reason.  Some people think writing is pointless, while others find it a beacon of hope.  I’m trying really hard to come up with something meaningful to add to this blog.  Something I can put up on the refrigerator.  Something I can say, “Yes, I wrote that!”

But sometimes I experience what they call writer’s block.  I had a friend who tried to write his name and got writer’s block and never recovered.  Today I went to the supermarket twice.  Boy, that was awkward.  I’m not writing like I was taught in grade school.  My paragraphs are all messed up.  None of them have a common theme.  Send in the grammar police!  They might charge me with writing while intoxicated, when in fact I am merely writing while tired.  I wonder if they use the breathalizer.  Why is it when cops pull you over for speeding they end up making you later than you would’ve been if you had went the speed limit?  I think they’re dragging it out in their car, pretending to look up your license information.  They’re probably playing online poker while you wait in your car looking like an idiot.

I’m trying to figure out who my target audience is on this blog.  Is it you?  If you’re reading this, you may be under the influence of some sort of substance.  You ever just look up at the sky and realize how insignificant you are?  You ever just wonder how big the universe is and how small this planet is in comparison?  And how we live in our own little worlds within this world, shrinking our perspective smaller and smaller to make the trivial seem important?  Millions of years after our species goes extinct, the Earth will most likely still be here and possibly have no memory of us being here.  Our artifacts will have crumbled and we will be a forgotten species, or maybe some other species will be around to study us in the ways we study the dinosaurs.

You ever have that dream where you’re in college and you realize right before final exams that you’ve completely forgotten about a class and need to do all the work in like 3 days?  Or the dream where you’re falling off a cliff and you never quite hit the bottom because you wake up?  Me either.  I’ve had a couple of lucid dreams before and they were pretty cool.  I could fly in one of them and in the other one, I kept finding money on the ground and I thought, “There’s no way I could find thousands of dollars on the street,” and I woke up.  But dreaming doesn’t come as easy anymore.

As a college student, you know you have a serious drinking problem when your blood alcohol level is higher than your GPA.

I’ve often wondered if this whole world is just God having a dream and when he wakes up, he’ll be like, “Wow!  That was one crazy dream.”  Or maybe we’re all part of just some regular person’s dream.  Maybe it’s my dream.  Maybe I’m dreaming this whole reality.  And if I can find a way to become lucid in this dream, I can gain superpowers and become super rich by snapping my fingers.  Who knows?  For sure?

If you wake up in the morning and you ask yourself if life is worth living, or should you blast yourself, your name is probably Tupac.  What?

They say you can’t fight against the youth, but at least you have that senior citizen’s discount.  5% off knickers at Caldor.  You old folks got it good.  Down here in SC, if you’re 85 or older you get an additional 1% off of everything just for being old, or as I say, just for not dying.  And some of them are really cheap.  They insist on it every chance they get, but I always get the last laugh when they can’t remember where they parked their car.

I’m just writing to get some of these thoughts off my chest.  Maybe when that Andy Rooney dies, they’ll give me his position on 60 Minutes.  Or maybe I’ll get a spot on 48 Hours, but I can’t rant for that long.  Until next time…