Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Funny Quotes by Yours Truly, Part I

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

I thought I’d share a bit of my quotes that I sometimes use in stand-up and others that are just funny (or at least I think they’re funny :) )  Most of them are one-liners, minimalist comedy.  They’re very Steven Wright-esque.  I’ll do a couple of posts like this for this week.

I saw a movie based on a true story, It wasn’t that good. It would be better if I saw it in real life.

I can’t trust going to the mechanic, even for an oil change. I know they’re trying to take advantage of me. They said, “You need your tires rotated.” Don’t my tires rotate while I’m driving?  I’m not falling for that.

I have a friend who was in a terrible car accident and now he’s paralyzed all over his body. That doesn’t keep him down though. He still has a job and everything. He’s working Macy’s as a mannequin.

I tried going to a focus group, but I couldn’t concentrate. I think I might have adult ADD. I was sposed to get tested the yesterday, but I got distracted.

Babies R Us uses false advertising. There I was, looking like an idiot, saying, “Yeah, give me two boys and a girl.”

One of my friends got one of those Sports Illustrated swimsuit models calendar, except there were all old ladies on it. I asked him, “Where did you get that?” He said, “The antiques store.”

When I was in college, my roommate was a ceramics major, which really worked out for me, because every time I got mad at him, I broke a pot.  By the end of the semester, he had to be institutionalized.

I like to think outside of the box. It wasn’t my idea. The box was too crowded.

I tried to get a copy of the want ads, the guy told me, “Sorry, those are classified.”

I don’t do drugs because I’m high on life…that cereal is amazing.

I give back to my community. When the judge says community service, I say yes. I’ve been volunteering at a nursing home. Yesterday I was playing memory game with the Alzheimer’s patients…

The thing I find amazing about old people is a lot of them have arthritis and their medication has a child proof cap, so they can’t open it because it hurts their hands. So they ask their grandchildren to open it for them. Do you see something wrong with this picture?

I think that apathy is underrated, but then again I really don’t care.

*I don’t judge a book by its cover. I judge it by the title page.

I have a schizophrenic mood ring. It has a split screen.

I have a friend who’s pessimistic. I call him up every day and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” He always says, “Not too good. I’m still alive.”

My car broke down, but I don’t belong to AAA. So I called AA. I said, “Hello, is this AA?” She said yes. I said, “My car broke down.” She said, “Okay, I’ll only help you if you admit you have a problem.” 

I rented the Passion of the Christ last week. I only got to see half of it. Does anybody know how it ends?  Is it one of those corny Hollywood endings where the hero comes back at the end?

I opted out of Christianity because it’s too negative. Look at the Ten Commandments, thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. What the hell can you do? Pray?

A lot of really successful people never finished college. Bill Gates never finished. Tupac didn’t even go. Hell, Jesus Christ never even went to college and look how successful he was!

As a child, you know you’re not going to be a world class athlete when you get picked after the kid in the wheelchair.


I’m sick of people telling me what I should do with my life. I’m going to do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.

I got a bad haircut at Supercuts. I never saw it coming. That’s false advertising. Next time, I’m going to a place called, We’ve Got Scissors, or We’re Gonna Try. At least if they mess up, I’ll expect it.



There are all quotes from yours truly.  I figure I’ll do about 15 to 20 daily and work from there.  My comedy can be pretty cerebral, so reading it rather than hearing it will allow you to dwell on it more.  I realize that some of my funny ideas look as good in writing as they do onstage.  And what better way to publish my comedy to guard against joke thieves than this?  If I publish them all here, I have proof that they are mine.  And what better way to share them with a wider audience?  Right now, I bet a person in Kenya is reading this.  Or maybe someone in Antarctica.  And you know what they say.  Laughter is the best medicine.  Anything to bring joy and a smile to people.  Enjoy!

http://andrewbrunelle.com/2009/01/21/funny-quotes-by-yours-truly-part-i/

Posted in Humor, Simplicity | No Comments »

Happy New Year?

Friday, January 2nd, 2009

It’s really getting tough to think of new material.  What else can I possibly say on this blog that I haven’t already said?  My fingers won’t move on the keyboard.  This is painful.  Why don’t I talk about living in the deep South?  Because it’s boring.  Or what about a current event?  That’s even more boring.  Everything that is happening now will happen again, hence the term history repeats itself.  I could wish everyone a Happy New Year, but it seems too cliche.  All I thought about while watching it on television was how a bunch of morons froze their bodies off for over 12 hours to watch a mechanical ball drop.  The view is much better from your living room.  I’ve always wondered if the Chinese tape the ball dropping and replay it whenever they celebrate their New Year.  I guess I’ve picked my topic.

It’s a new year, but what does that really mean?  Sure, the Earth has moved around the sun another time and we’re all one year older, but has anything really changed?  It may seem cynical, but celebrating the passing of another year is pretty much pointless, like exercising on a stationary bike in hopes of getting to the store.  Boy, that was a bad analogy.  It was worse than watching the movie Seven Pounds.  Boy, Will Smith has really taken a turn for the worst, hasn’t he?  He really showed his acting range with his barrage of awkward facial expressions.  Why do they make movies they know are going to fail?  I bet when they finished shooting that movie, they said, “Well, it’s a good thing we got Will Smith on board, otherwise this movie would’ve tanked.”  I feel like he’s gone downhill ever since Men In Black and Ali.

Oh, and the holidays passed by, too.  Christ-mass and Haunakah, and Kwaanzaa, not to mention whatever other holidays are out there.  I wonder if this practice will ever get old.  Celebrating birthdays of people who are dead by giving gifts to each other.  Seriously, Jesus would be pissed.  He didn’t get nailed to a couple pieces of wood for us to do this.  He probably saw the cross as a waste of natural resources, just as he sees people getting a real tree in their living room a waste.  And don’t get me started on people who decorate their lawn with lights and reindeer.  Just trying to keep up that whole Santa Claus illusion for all the kids.  He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.  That guy is a pedophile.  A man who makes his living watching children around the clock.  That’s pretty sick if you ask me.  He’s like an exaggerated version of Michael Jackson.

I have a major headache today, so forgive my cynicism.  Too much caffeine yesterday or something.  I was thinking to myself yesterday about what year it really is.  And I settled on, for the Earth, 4.5 billion plus 2009.  It’s probably more or less, but who’s counting?  I don’t put Jesus at the beginning of my calendar.  Didn’t he believe the Earth was flat and that it was the center of the universe anyway?  Boy, was he off.  We’re not even the center of our solar system, never mind the center of the whole universe.  That just shows how self important we thought we were.  I’m surprised astronomers don’t kill themselves when they find out how small we are relative to the universe. They went from being the center to practically nothing.  Sure, they could go around and try to live a good life, but what would it matter compared to the size of the universe?  It would be relative to a car accident on Earth, probably much, much less so.  So why do we get so excited about the New Year?  Because most people are ignorant and think it’s a big deal.  No offense to any of my well-educated, informed readers.

Anyway, I thought I’d brighten your day with some of my oh so enlightening thoughts.  Keep watching out for more of these because I feel the more I write, the more people will read.  And if that happens, maybe I’ll develop a cult following.  Because isn’t everyone’s dream to start a cult?  I know mine is.

Edit:  Oh, and by the way, when you die, you just rot in the ground.  Just thought I’d add that.  Just kidding.  I have no idea what happens.

Posted in Humor, Rants | No Comments »

Laughing Myself to Health

Friday, December 19th, 2008

I’ve been watching a lot of comedy lately.  It’s very calming.  I figure that if I want to get better, what better way to start the health wagon than with a great dose of laughter?  I’m taking a good, hard belly laugh at how crazy things can get sometimes.  The absurdity of life.  I didn’t sleep well last night…again, so I need something to blast me out of this fog I’m in.  You ever wake up and just not want to get out of bed for a  month?  And the only reason you got out of bed was to avoid getting bedsores?  Yeah, that’s how I felt this morning.  Tired as hell.  Coffee isn’t enough today.  I need a dose of crack to wake me up today, but where can I score that in Myrtle Beach?  Is there a crack shop anywhere in MB?  Maybe just cocaine.  Maybe that would do the trick.  And if I’m all shaky when I walk into any establishment, I’ll just say I swallowed a whole gallon of espresso.

When you build up a tolerance to coffee, where do you go from there?  Crackaccino?  Or how about a meth muffin?  Anything to keep me up all night wandering around aimlessly in Myrtle Beach.  Anything to give me that kick after not sleeping well.  I’m open to ideas that don’t involve a green smoothie or a salad.

Posted in Humor | No Comments »

Audio Clip and a New Open Mic

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

I just received an audio clip from my Comedy Cabana performance.  It’s of decent quality, but the audience wasn’t miked up, so it seems like nobody was laughing, but I’m pretty sure they were.  I’ll try and upload it onto this server and see if it takes.  If not, I have it on myspace.  I’m getting my tape from my performance in NYC any day now.  I’m hoping it is as good as I remembered.  I’m hoping to post it up on Youtube and then put it on myspace as well.  I’m also going to submit it to Last Comic Standing and see what they think of it.

I guess the file won’t load onto my website for one reason or another.  The WordPress said it was too big, so I guess I have to send a link out.  It’s on myspace.  I’ll keep everyone posted about my video.  Hopefully it doesn’t take too long.

I’ll be performing either next Monday or the Monday after at Comedy Cabana again.  I’ll know the exact date by tomorrow.  I’m just glad I had all that coaching.  I should be a lock for first prize this year.  Wish me luck.  :)

 Edit :  I spoke with the manager of Comedy Cabana today and she told me the 25th is the optimal date, so I guess I’ll go on then.

Posted in Humor | No Comments »

TV Made Me Do It!

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

As you can probably tell, I’ve been away for awhile on this blog.  This is (mostly) because I was being filmed for a television show that airs in Canada called TV Made Me Do It!, where I chronicled my path to wanting to be a comedian.  I was discovered by Proper Television through the Internet on Myspace.  They read one of my blog entries from one of my older blogs entitled:  Laughter is a Great Medicine.  I believe I transferred it here as well, but I’d rather just link to the original post.  When I was diagnosed with brain cancer, there was very little to laugh at.  I used comedy, mainly the show Seinfeld, to lift my spirits and go through my treatments for the cancer.  After I was cured of cancer, I was lucky enough to benefit from the Make-A-Wish foundation and got to meet my idol, Jerry Seinfeld.  It was an unbelieveable experience and it was all the hope I needed after he told me the material I’d been working on was funny and that with hard work an perseverence, I would make it some day.

It seemed like this opportunity to be part of a television show was coming out of left field because I had made no effort whatsoever to be on television yet.  I did do a small segment on a local show about comedy, but that was it.  But I do have a great story to tell.  It’s the kind of story that people see and it inspires them.  Beating brain cancer and laughing all the way through it is something that many people admire.  Most times I tell that story to people, they have tears in their eyes and I feel a connection that is unbelieveable.  This is my gift to the world.

Filming the show was great because I got to go to NYC and get coached by a professional comedian.  Cory Kahaney.  She was on Last Comic Standing in the first season.  I took two separate trips to NY and I also went to a comedy class taught by Jim David.  They were both very insightful and told me I have excellent material and I  just need to find a way to organize it appropriately and I will be able to get on late night television in the near future.  That was very encouraging.  I truly feel grateful for that experience. The second time I was there, I got to perform at Comix comedy club.  Very nice comedy club.  I also performed at Comedy Cabana in Myrtle Beach before I flew to NY.  I went on in MB for over ten minutes and kind of stuttered at the end, but I was still getting laughs even though I wasn’t doing preplanned material.  After Cory watched my performance at Comedy Cabana, she gave me tons of pointers about how to polish my jokes and how to arrange them appropriately.  I was stunned at the difference in NYC when I went on for five minutes in front of about 70 people.

The filming crew was amazing.  They were so nice and so accomodating.  They were really into my story and they drove me around NYC to all the Seinfeld locations where we filmed.  We went to Monk’s Coffee Shop and Times Square and we even stood near the Letterman studios.  We did a lot of filming.  We filmed in Myrtle Beach all day one day, then all day in NYC, then I went back home.  The next time, we filmed for one day all the way through until about 7:30 PM.  They had a surprise waiting for me at the end of my performance.  There is this orgaization called Comedy Cures that performs for sick children and adults.  The woman who runs the organization, Saranne Rothberg, thought it was so inspiring what I am doing that she made mean ambassador in the organization and she wants me to perform for them in the future.  I am exalted at this opportunity because I will be doing what Seinfeld did for me.  I will be using the healing power of laughter to help those in need.  Saranne was diagnosed with breast cancer in the late 90s and used comedy to cure herself completely, which is more than I can say for myself.  I still underwent radiation treatment, so she truly is a testament to laughter curing those who are truly sick.

I am eternally grateful to the three people who filmed me and I just want to say thank you again to Samara, Jeff, and Rich.  Never did I think I would be performing in NYC and getting private comedy lessons at this point in my life and not in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be on a television show like that.  But I do have a great story to tell, a story that only continues to get better.  I need to build my resume if I’m going to have a True Hollywood Story done about me. :)

All in all, I would say the experience was a positive one.   I got more confirmation and validation on my type of humor and performance style.  I have tons of room to improve and I am glad that I got some schooling from A-list comedians, two people that are established in the business, and are extremely talented.  Things are looking up for me right now and only good can come of this new publicity.

Edit:  In a couple of weeks, I will be receiving my tapes from my performances so I can finally have some material on my myspace page, professional quality!

If you found this article helpful or insightful, please feel free to donate to my site.

Posted in Humor, Inspiration, Joke Writing | 2 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »