I figure that if you are in the mood to laugh every once in awhile, that a humorous stories section is exactly what this website needs. I figure some of them will be my own, and others will be borrowed from other websites as I see fit. I am not yet ready to write one, but tune back soon for a humorous story!
Story # 1:
This is something that happened to me a couple of days ago. I had lost my voice and was traveling with my brother to his work to get his paycheck. I said I would stay in the car, and he left the windows open, but locked the doors. He told me not to touch the locks or the alarm would go off, but to use the unlock/lock button on the driver’s side of the car. So I am sitting there, and this old woman comes to her car with a shopping cart right next to me. She starts unloading her groceries and asks me, “Excuse me, could you please lift this water into my car?” At first, I thought yes, then I remembered I could not unlock the door except by hitting that button, so I went to hit it, and I did not know which way to push it, one locks it, one unlocks it, so I accidentally must have pushed it the wrong way, making the alarm go off. My brother was inside with the keys, I was out there all alone and now the alarm was going off. I go inside the store, searching frantically for him, he is nowwhere to be found, so I have the people call him up, and I could not even talk, so I had to really stretch myself to say anything. So he comes up to the front and we finally go back to the car. By the way, the woman said she would watch the car while we were gone. When we got back to the car, the alarm had stopped. The woman felt so bad for putting us in that situation, she gave us five dollars, and we were on our way.
Humorous Story #2
When doing my comedy contest, I wore this red and white checkered shirt that looked kind of like a picnic table cloth, so I decided to say that I stole it off a picnic table at the beginning of my act. It got a huge laugh. After I won, I had my pictures taken by the man who is a photographer for the Myrtle Beach Herald. A couple days later, I went to my brother’s graduation, wearing the same shirt, and ran into the man from the Myrtle Beach Herald again. I told him, “This is the only shirt I own. And I stole it. Theoretically, I own no shirts.”
I was born. I was a planned C-section. What a mess. I didn’t even know anything about it. There I was, sitting in the womb, minding my own business, doing a crossword puzzle, and all of the sudden I see this white light above me. The doctor pulled me out. Told me my lease was up. Then he said he never got the third trimester’s rent. Besides, he said, he wants to rent it out to a nice couple from Wisconsin.
You know, some people keep things from when they were a baby, like their first pair of shoes. I do that. I still have my umbilical chord. And the placenta. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
I’ve decided to devote the rest of my life to wasting it. I’ll bicker on and on about how anarcho-primitivism is the answer to the global crisis. I won’t care how many readers I lose due to this fact. Humans are not special. We are just one of the species on this planet and we’ve become the rulers of it because we are pathological and in an empty death culture. People will not know what is going on with me because they’ll see this as “wasting” my life, when in fact, it will be me trying to have a life again through learning to live on the land and getting back in touch with nature, our real home. I’m so fucking sick of suburbs and factories I could burn them all down, but I won’t. It’s not going to solve any problems. They’ll just rebuild them. And I’m sure their insurance would cover it. All I can do is shout into the wind, much like Ted Kaczynski, although he was heard eventually through his deplorable actions. I should try to be more like Daniel Quinn, Derrick Jansen, or John Zerzan. Non-violent revolts. Write books about this sort of shit. You know, get on the map to being someone who is not just an environmentalist, but a true revolutionary. As Daniel Quinn says, it’s the myth we tell ourselves that humans are the crown of creation, that humans are the final step in evolution that is the real problem. Humans are not flawed, but the stories we enact upon ourselves are dangerous. We are the Takers, the Exterminators, and the Exploiters.